


Re: 2 Kids

by Orpheus_jpg



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:00:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 25,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28026666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Orpheus_jpg/pseuds/Orpheus_jpg
Summary: After losing his eldest brother to severe depression, Choi Soobin dissipated himself in all his thoughts. He tried to find meaning in life through the lyrics of his brother's favorite songs. Through making bad decisions and losing his path, Soobin turned his life into something that even his brother wouldn't be proud of. One day, by a coincidence that can only count as a miracle, he encountered the person who would change his life completely.During his 17 years of life, Huening Kai has had far too many doctor appointments and 2 surgeries due to a rare, genetic sickness called hemophilia, a blood disease that could kill anyone by simply mistreating it. Totally alienated by his friends and peers, Kai never lived a life that fulfilled his desire to be alive and push him to the edge. But one day, someone, a person no one would ever think of, showed Kai the true meaning of life, in a new, twisted way.---!WARNING!This story contains vulgar language, mature themes, mental diseases, suicidal thoughts, graphic content, and is written by an author whose native language isn't English.Reader discretion is advised.---You can also find this story on Wattpad too!
Relationships: Beomjun, Choi Beomgyu/Choi Yeonjun, Choi Soobin & Huening Kai, Choi Soobin/Huening Kai, Sookai - Relationship
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

Entry No.1

''Do you remember the days when we were a bunch of high school students, and we were dealing with nothing but our grades... Running back and forth in corridors, just causing trouble?''

''I think you mean _anything_ but grades... We could care less about that. We both graduated by chance if you remember.''

This was said by Soobin, who lit his 4th cigarette without even caring about how much he smoked. It was one of those night sessions where he and Yeonjun went to the rooftop of their house. They watched the pitch-black night while drinking their favorite beer and soju mixture. A strong flavour burns their throat while chugging it. The mixture, which they coincidentally found in high school, had since turned into a special drink they both loved and drank whenever they were alone. It wasn't a complicated or difficult thing to do. But it was just one of the dozens of little things among them

''It's debatable though. Both of us were punks. Beomgyu and Taehyun weren't even something close to that. Don't you see them now? They are in fucking Konkuk, bro. Chasing their dreams... Being artsy and stuff... And look at us! Trying to get drunk on a rooftop while watching the stars, like we're some NASA employees.''

Soobin softly chuckled while inhaling the cigarette he had just lit up. They had been maintaining this special moment since Yeonjun moved out from his parents' at the age of 16. His parents were two conservative guardians, caring for their image more than their son's well-being and feelings. Soobin felt grateful again for his family. His beloved mother, protective dad, thoughtful twin, and a bighearted older brother: not many could imagine such a family. Whatever happened to Soobin, his family always supported him, never letting him down, being with him through every decision he made and will make.

''I see no harm in watching the stars while getting drunk on some soju and beer. We do nothing but praise their beautiful appearance. Right? Magnificent Vega, marvellous Rigel, splendid Procyon, and reputable Sirius.''

Yeonjun slowly turned his head to his left and looked at his best friend with a big smile on his face. _He's always been like that,_ he thought. Living life in detail, not in its entirety, by focusing on the little things and trying to avoid flaws in the whole. Slowly he threw his arm over his best friend's shoulder and looked at him proudly. No matter how much he had been through, he always stood upright, no matter how long his breath had taken, no matter how much his heart had skipped a beat.

''You know... I'm proud of you. Right, Soobin?''

After hearing a sudden compliment from his best friend, Soobin turned his head and looked at Yeonjun with a surprised, yet blissful, expression. He was always used to Yeonjun's sudden movements, but abruptly, he was unintentionally startled by the fact that Yeonjun told him that. He wondered if he was being too depressed again or fakely cheerful.

''Wow. Someone got drunk faster than expected.''

''Don't ruin the mood, you bag face! I'm trying to tell you something here. Being a hyung, I have to do that. At least, I feel like I have to.''

Soobin slowly raised his newly pierced eyebrow and looked at his friend with a surprised face. Their friend group of 4 have known each other and been sincere for so long that no honorifics have ever passed between them. But Yeonjun referring to himself as a hyung was very unexpected, yet restful. Although Soobin had one more older brother, he always felt empty after the death of his eldest one.

''Okay... I'm listening, _hyung_.''

''I just wanted to thank you for staying with us after all those miserable things we witnessed together. If I were in your position... I would probably have given up much earlier. You know... Even though I have Taehyung-hyung by my side, your brothers always helped me. I still remember that... Jungmin-hyung helped me whenever I stressed out over my commercial shootings. He used to buy strawberry yogurt with some chips... Walked with me in our garden... Made me listen to his songs, trying to calm me down. Which he was successful at, every single time.''

At the name of his eldest brother, the light smile on Soobin's face slowly disappeared, and, as always, he plunged into a void of thousands of memories in his head. A bright smile, black hair, and bunny-like eyes: all of his brother's features slowly came to his eyes again. _He shouldn't have left that early,_ said Soobin inside of him, but he couldn't say it out loud. He wanted to keep it inside of him. So he just nodded his head slowly while smoking in the dullness.

''You could have gone to the same place as him, Soobin. But... You decided to stay with us. Your friends and family. That's why I'm so proud of you. You wanted to keep his legacy alive. You wanted to breathe for him, live for him. This isn't something everyone can do. And I'm glad for your existence, Soobin. Without you... I would probably be gone too...''

Soobin slowly turned to his friend as an inexpressible emotion developed from what he heard. He then began to smile, looking into Yeonjun's eyes fully. Although he could not save his brother, he got a very nice feeling knowing that his best friend was living with his help, like himself. He pulled Yeonjun to himself and hugged him tightly while stroking his back up and down. He had no idea what to do without him.

''I'm glad that you are here, Yeonjun.''

''Same goes for me too, Soobinie...''

After they both glanced at each other and smiled sincerely, they returned to the sky, then drank their drinks while watching the stars. _Jupiter is the brightest one,_ Soobin thought while trying to stop thinking about his brother in his head. But, still, he couldn't. Still, he couldn't help thinking about his brother and his ambition for being an astronaut. Slowly taking a sip of his drink and smoking his cigarette, he saw a star suddenly falling in front of his eyes. While he was about to turn his head to Yeonjun with excited eyes, Yeonjun turned to him with the same excited expression and began to smile widely.

''You see that? It was a shooting star!''

''Yes! Hey hey hey! Make a wish. This isn't something you see often.''

He was right. He didn't even remember the last time he ever saw a shooting star. After glancing for the last time at the star that fell, he closed his eyes, and then began to think about what he could wish for. He's been wanting a lot, but what did he want the most? _Happiness,_ he thought. Happiness is the only thing he could wish for.

''Did you make your wish?''

''Yes.''

''Me too! I hope it will happen as soon as possible!''

''Yeah... Same goes for me.''

After saying this at this exact moment, an unexpected sound started to ring in the environment. It was Yeonjun's phone ringing. Yeonjun grabbed his phone with a surprised expression and looked at the caller. As soon as he saw the contact name, his eyes opened and his face formed a stupid, yet noticeably happy, expression.

''It's 3 AM in Seoul, Ningning. What were you thinking?'' Yeonjun said into the phone.

''We are at the airport, right now, waiting for our Seoul flight.''

Yeonjun, who stood immediately upon after hearing what his friend said, looked anxiously into the emptiness and began to frown. They had planned to meet next summer for a vacation, but it was the middle of October. _Something bad must have happened,_ he thought.

''Wait... What?! Airport? To here? Seoul? _Why?_ It's not even summer! Did something happen?''

''Long story, Junnie. I'll tell you everything, but I'm overly exhausted right now.''

''Are you alone or...?''

''I'm with Lea and Hiye. I'll call you after landing, okay? We have to prepare...''

''O-Okay... Don't forget to call me.''

''I won't, don't worry. Love you.''

''You too...''

After hanging up the phone, Soobin gently glanced at Yeonjun and slightly tilted his head to the side. Although he normally knew all of his friends, he was sure that he did not know anybody named Ningning. He slowly blew the smoke and kindly pushed Yeonjun's shoulder with a curious face.

''Who's Ningning? One of your friends from the US?''

''More like a brother but yeah... He's my friend from California. And, suddenly, he's coming here.''

''Here? Why?''

''I really don't know. He's half-Korean and came here before. His mother lives here, but, still, it's so sudden. Something must have happened.''

''Oh... I see. I hope it's not something serious.''

 _It's really so sudden,_ Soobin thought. It was so sudden that even _he_ felt different deep inside of him.


	2. Entry No.2

With his head leaning against the plane window and a wistful gaze, Kai sighed wearily as he watched the clouds disappearing as the plane moved forward. He still couldn't even believe what happened just a few hours ago. Both he and his sisters had witnessed the most disgusting thing they could ever see and had been sent to their mother's due to the potential dangers they could face. The images of his eldest sister almost getting raped by her drunk boyfriend and their father David beating the terrible boy to death were still visible in front of his eyes. As he bit his nails while frowning into the emptiness with dozens of things in his head, his younger sister slowly approached Kai, and held his arm, while looking at him with tired yet thoughtful eyes.

''You haven't slept for days, Kai...Come on... At least rest a little bit.''

Despite all the things that happened to them, his sister thinking about her older brother's tiredness made Kai slightly smile. He slowly wrapped his arms around her and then gave a tiny kiss to her forehead. She's always been like that. No matter what happened to her in a day, she always thinks about the brother she idolizes.

''I'm fine, Bahiyyih. I also slept when you guys weren't at home.''

''Bullshit! Sleeping for half an hour doesn't count as sleeping.''

''Language.''

_''Bullshit.''_

While Bahiyyih looked at her brother with big bright eyes and gained on him out of spite, Kai slowly giggled and pushed her by holding her head. Bahiyyih, who started laughing when her brother pushed her in the head, looked at him as she started hitting his arm. Even though Kai could easily get angry and bored, that was never true for his sisters.

''If you don't sleep until we arrive in Korea, I'll keep hitting your arm for the next remaining 3 hours and 32 minutes!''

''This is called being abusive, Bahiyyih.''

''Like I care!!''

''I see that both of you are having a lot of fun...''

As soon as the two siblings heard their eldest sister's voice, both of them turned to her and looked at her with smiles. Lea wiped her wet hands on her pullover and looked at them with a slight smile on her face. She knew that her sister had started the bickering. Whenever the subject is annoying someone, Bahiyyih always takes the lead.

''Hiye... Leave Kai alone, baby. Please.''

''But in these two days, he only slept for half an hour, sis!''

Hearing this, Lea was surprised as she directed her gaze to Kai and raised her eyebrows with a puzzled expression. _He lied to me again,_ she thought while crossing her bruised arms, covered by her cream-colored pullover.

''Half an hour? You told me that you slept for 5 hours.''

With his face grimacing when his lie to his sister was revealed, Kai gently mixed his hair and sighed deeply. He then looked at her with guilty eyes. He hated to lie to her, but he couldn't help it. After all those things, he only wanted to make her feel at least relieved. But as always, he failed again.

''Sorry. I had to.''

As she continued to stare at her brother with sad eyes, Lea sat down slowly and then covered herself with the blanket she took from home. She knew what Kai was trying to do. Whenever his head was full of gloomy thoughts and emotions, he couldn't sleep. No matter how he tried to relieve himself, he'd always stay awake for hours, maybe days.

''Please try to sleep then, babe. Our mom would be anxious if she sees you like that.''

''You're right,'' Kai whispered under his breath.

If their mother learned what really happened back home, she would have a heart attack. So the four of them, including their father, decided not to tell the truth to her. They said that all of them decided to study at SNU for their university life, even though the three of them never planned anything close to that. Kai sighed deeply after looking at his sisters with his baggy eyes and pale skin from forgetting to take his medication. Trying to ignore the bad feeling inside of him, he put on his headphones and touched the shuffle button. Whenever he felt like he was suffocating or losing his mind, he would do the same thing every single time. He silenced the world he was surrounded by and disappeared in his music.

_**chasing cars - snow patrol** _

_**We'll do it all** _   
_**Everything** _   
_**On our own** _

_**We don't need** _   
_**Anything** _   
_**Or anyone** _

_**If I lay here** _   
_**If I just lay here** _   
_**Would you lie with me and just forget the world?** _

**_I don't quite know_ **   
**_How to say_ **   
**_How I feel_ **

**_Those three words_ **   
**_Are said too much_ **   
**_They're not enough_ **

Although he was used to sudden things in his life and knew how to deal with them, suddenly going away from where he was born and raised shook him with a mix of emotions he couldn't address. Even though he lived far from his hometown, both because of his father's business and his mother's living in another country, he never moved away permanently. He never left the streets he grew up on nor left his father's side. After taking a deep breath while looking at the clouds, Kai slowly closed his swollen eyes and began to take a short trip to his dreams. As Kai disappeared into his dream by listening to one of his favorite songs, there was something that he wasn't even aware of. And that was the fact that in the country he was going to land in, in a few hours, there was someone else who also disappeared in the same song, the same thoughts in his head.

And it was none other than Soobin himself.

**_Let's waste time_ **   
**_Chasing cars_ **   
**_Around our heads_ **

**_I need your grace_ **   
**_To remind me_ **   
**_To find my own_ **

**_All that I am_ **   
**_All that I ever was_ **   
**_Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see_ **

**_I don't know where_ **   
**_Confused about how as well_ **   
**_Just know that these things will never change for us at all_ **

With his chin leaning on the counter of the convenience store where he worked, Soobin was muttering the song he was listening to while watching the surroundings with empty eyes. While keeping the rhythm with his fingers to the slow beat of the song, he slightly nodded, his mind in the conversation he had with Yeonjun last night. _He is afraid that I'll kill myself like my brother,_ he thought. _He thinks I'm as desperate as he was._ Shaking his head and sighing deeply, he straightened up slowly as a client approached him, arms full of snacks and ramen.

''Welcome...''

Without even paying attention to what the customer said to him, Soobin began scanning barcodes with an empty expression. No matter how hard he tried to put himself to his work, his head always brought back the conversation that happened last night. While pouting without even noticing, he finally scanned the last barcode and then slowly tilted up his head to look at the customer he found to be a girl.

''The total is ₩14,500, ma'am.''

While she continuously looked at Soobin with a flirtatious smile, the customer quickly shook her head and handed her credit card to him.

''Here. It has contactless payment.''

After taking the card and pushing it into the machine, Soobin handed the credit card to her. As she took the credit card and kept looking at Soobin, she deliberately touched her fingers to his and smiled.

''You didn't ask my name,'' she said while tilting her head slowly.

''Why would I?'' asked Soobin while putting groceries inside bags with a careless attitude.

''I mean, people usually ask for my name.''

With this jackanape's attitude, Soobin frowned and then handed the bags to the girl, finally making eye contact. He was used to these kinds of attitudes as he saw a lot of people from 10 AM to 6 PM.

''I'm not like the people you meet, then.''

Then, he handed her the bags and slowly sat down to his chair while searching for a new song to listen to. His head was way too crowded for something like dealing with five-minute-fans.

''Have a nice day, ma'am.''

Surprised by his unexpected attitude, the girl pulled her hair out from the front of her eyes, and then glanced at Soobin, smirking while leaning to the desk that Soobin is behind.

''Name's Somi, by the way. In case you wondered.''

''Nope. Not at all.''

While looking at him with an annoyed expression on her face, she huffed angrily and turned back, leaving the store in an unsatisfied state. She never faced such an attitude, so she was surprised by what to do.

''Why are all weirdos finding me?'' sighed Soobin while scrolling down in his music app. He randomly chose another song to listen to. But before the song even started, there was a message from his eldest brother.

**Hyung-ssi: Jesus fucking Christ we have to go to Yeonjun's place for dinner. His mother called us...**

''Fuck,'' murmured Soobin after reading his brother's message.

Whenever Yeonjun and his parents were under the same roof, under any circumstance, things always turned into something catastrophic, something disastrous.


	3. Entry No.3

As he closed the car door with a deep sigh, Soobin began to look at the enormous, well-designed garden in front of him for a little while, already knowing what will happen in a few hours, maybe minutes. Yeonjun's mother, Yoon Ah, unlike her husband, was trying to win her son back after learning how he wanted to live his life. However, her husband's intense objections and stubborn behavior were making it difficult.

''Let's fucking go to that shithole,'' sighed Sanha, Soobin's twin brother while fixing his white shirt.

''Sanha! What did I say to you at home! We won't swear here,'' said Ye Jin while looking at her son with a frown.

''Tell me if I'm wrong, mom. We see the same shit every single time. As soon as we enter that shithole, we are going to see Yoon Ah-imo's fake smile and Jin Hee-samchon's cold-ass face. Oh, and not to mention, Taehyung-hyung's annoyed expression. Do I even have to mention Yeonjun?''

After hearing his twin brother's rant about the situation they were going to face, Soobin glanced at Sanha with annoyance and sighed deeply as he straightened the collars of his black shirt. He knew what they would see in a minute too, but hearing it from his brother really oppressed him.

''Will you shut up, Sanha? Stating this over and over again won't make any difference,'' said Minhyuk to his younger brother, while helping his fiance get out of the car.

''You really articulated my feelings, bro,'' said Soobin while starting to walk towards the entrance, leaving his family behind.

The idea of a possible argument between Yeonjun's parents and Yeonjun really made Soobin nervous. Whenever the four of them gathered under the same roof, something from the bottom of the heap would always arise. After walking a short mile, the Choi family finally arrived at the entrance door and looked among themselves.

''I will knock,'' sighed Hyun Bin, Soobin's father. However, he didn't want to be the one knocking on the door.

After a short wait and glancing among the family, the huge villa's doors were finally opened by Taehyung who smiled at his guests, trying to hide the tiredness on his face. As could be seen from his eyes, it was obvious that something happened before they arrived.

''Hello...''

''Hello, baby! It's been a long time!''

While Soobin's mother joyfully hugged Taehyung, Soobin made short eye contact with him to check the pulse of the house. The answer he got was just as he expected. Taehyung slowly raised his eyebrows and gently shook his head left to right.

''We're gonna have _a lot_ of fun,'' whispered Sanha while folding his arms together.

''Taehyun and Beomgyu are here too. Mom called them, to celebrate something.''

''Something? Like what?'' said Minhyuk while looking at Taehyung with a puzzled expression.

''I genuinely don't have a clue. I guess it's something about a new company partner.''

''How's Yeonjun?'' asked Soobin without caring the reason for why they came.

''As you guessed. Angry.''

 _Of course, he is angry,_ thought Soobin to himself. Anyone would be angry with a person who wished his son to fuck off just because he wanted to live a life as he wanted.

As soon as they entered the house and everyone greeted each other, the parents sat on the right side of the long dining table. The siblings sat at the left, and Soobin's friends were gathered at the very end of the table. The tension in the air wasn't suffocating just Yeonjun but everyone in the room inside. The derogate eyes, sudden grunts, and laxness were treading on not just Yeonjun's but his friends' corn. All four of them were feeling extremely irritated and uncomfortable.

''I want to stab him in the head,'' whispered Yeonjun while aggressively cutting his medium-rare meat. ''I want to stab him so bad that he can't survive.''

''Be easy, boy. Don't get down to his level.'' As the comforter of the group, Taehyun spoke without looking at him, eating his salad casually. ''You bickering about him only makes him stronger. You know how your father reacts to certain topics. So give him something he isn't aware of. Enjoy the moment.''

''How can you remain so calm in this atmosphere? Don't you see the way he's looking at me! It fucking makes me lose my mind.''

''Your dad and my mom are the exact same person, Yeonjun. I've survived from Hyun Ok's wrathful hands. I know how to defeat someone like her: by ignoring and minding your own damn business.''

''He's right. Please calm down,'' Beomgyu, who was about to cry because of the tension, whispered. He slowly looked at Yeonjun with big eyes. Whenever he saw his friend's blood boiling, his body trembled with fear. He knew how disillusioned Yeonjun turned when he got mad.

After hearing Beomgyu's soft, yet anxious voice, Yeonjun sighed slowly, taking his friend's silk-like hand between his palm, and began to caress it while looking at him with guilty eyes. If there was only one thing in life Yeonjun was afraid of, it was to scare Beomgyu away from him.

''I'm sorry, Cookie. I didn't mean to scare you at all.''

''The only thing I'm scared of is your sadness, Yeonjun. If you do anything aggressive to him, he would attack you twice as hard.''

Yeonjun shook his head slowly at Beomgyu's words. Everything he said was nothing but the truth. Trying to talk with his father was exactly the same as trying to talk to any wall in the mansion they were living in.

''So... I heard that Yeonjun received an art scholarship offer from Hongik University! To be honest I wasn't even surprised. The way he dances is extraordinary! I knew he would go to very good places!'' Beomgyu's mother, Young Ae, spoke cheerfully, hoping to soften the mood at least a little bit. Not only kids but also elders could feel the intenseness.

''You're wrong then, Young Ae. Anyone who is indifferent like Yeonjun cannot come anything near the term 'good.'" said Jin Hee, while drinking his whiskey, looking at his son with deprecative eyes.

"Here we go again," said Soobin to himself while sipping his red wine. Yeonjun's father was just like Yeonjun himself: vindictive and not forgetting anything that was done to him.

''Jin Hee... Please, at least don't do it in front of our guests,'' said Yeonjun's mother, Yoon Ah, with a desperate face. ''I just want to eat one dinner, just _one_ dinner, peacefully.''

''I didn't say anything wrong, my love. I only stated a fact that is known by everyone. Prove me wrong, if you think you're right.''

Yeonjun, whose body trembled from his father's words, squeezed his fork until his hand turned white, and unwittingly twitched his left eye. The pure hatred, that ran in his veins, towards his father was getting larger and larger as his father breathed.

''What's your fucking deal with me, huh? What's the problem you can't solve with me?!'' As he spoke with outrage, Yeonjun furiously stood up and gruffly put his hands onto the table. He had enough of his father. The amount of hate he's receiving was too much for him.

''I think you giving your ass to middle-aged men is enough to answer, son.''

 _That's it,_ Yeonjun thought to himself. Without even thinking about what he was doing, he grabbed the knife next to his plate. And before anyone knew what was happening, he jumped forward to his father. He was thinking that no one should be exposed to this level of hate. Not even someone as cruel as his father. But before Yeonjun did something he would regret his whole life, Soobin immediately stood up and robustly held back his best friend.

''That was malicious, Mr. Choi. That was really too fucking far. Shame on you for having such a nice wife and kids but being a total ass yourself, _sir_."

While looking at him pitifully, Soobin held his best friend's arm and started to drag him out of the scene they had just witnessed, alongside Taehyun and Beomgyu. That was too far. That was _way_ too far for even someone down at his level.

While Soobin was struggling to pull his friend out of the house, Yeonjun was trying his best to escape the arms of Soobin, full of hatred, continuing to shout incessantly at his father.

''I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU! Do you hear me, you fucking asshole? I'm going to tear you to pieces!''

''Jesus Christ... Soobin, tuck him in the car.''

After confirming Taehyun's words with a nod, Soobin unlocked the car immediately, before relocking the door as he tucked Yeonjun into the front seat. In any way, the potential disasters that could happen with Yeonjun going back home sent chills up the three's spine. They weren't afraid of Jin Hee's death; they were afraid of what would happen to Yeonjun if his father died.

''Oh my... What are we gonna do?'' whimpered Beomgyu while sniffing quietly.

''We gotta get away from here. As long as we're here, he'll be at the top of his temper,'' said Taehyun while hugging Beomgyu, stroking his hair to calm him down at least a little bit.

''You are right. Dude... How can someone say such a thing about his own son?''

''He's someone far beyond being human, Soobin. For him, it's all about his career and success. Nothing else matters other than that.''

''He's a monster,'' whispered Beomgyu while burying his face to Taehyun's shoulder. ''He's a monster that no one should ever face.''

Soobin sighed deeply, seeing his friends devastated. The incident aches his heart. He slowly rubbed his face and went to the other side of the car. _It would be the best for us to leave here,_ he thought while opening the driver's seat door. After getting inside, Soobin slowly turned to Yeonjun and rubbed his left shoulder while looking him in the eyes with tiredness. He could feel the pure sadness exuding from Yeonjun's body.

''Want to drink something?''

Yeonjun, who was too nervous and tired to speak, just nodded with a blank expression while biting his nails till they bled.

''I'll take that as a yes.''

With Beomgyu and Taehyun getting in, Soobin started Yeonjun's car and began driving without knowing where to go. Anywhere besides Yeonjun's house would be good for him, after all.

As Yeonjun looked outside of the window, watching the street lights moving with them as they kept going forward, he slowly raised his head and looked at the big, bright moon. As the moonlight hit his face, his tear-filled eyes were clearly visible but the corrupted thoughts in his head remained invisible forever.

After sighing deeply and lighting a cigarette to calm himself down, Yeonjun took out his phone and touched the only number that could help him in this situation.

''Ningning? You awake?'' It was the first sound in the car after a long time.

''Yeah. I am. But I think _you'd_ rather sleep, right now. Preferably, eternally.''

Yeonjun chuckled slightly as Kai realized his situation before he even said anything. He thought Kai had superpowers to understand people's emotions without people getting them out in the open.

''My father, as you'd guess easily. He spoke ill about me as usual.''

''That's surprising for someone like him. I mean, if I were him, I wouldn't talk shit about my son after the crimes I've committed. Like, stealing money... Lying to patients about their health and such... And do I even have to mention him being the world's biggest dickhead? I guess not.''

With Yeonjun's phone connected to the car, everybody could hear Kai's every sentence being said. They were totally surprised about him knowing so much about Yeonjun but them knowing nothing about him. Soobin raised his pierced eyebrow in surprise, looking at the car's multimedia screen and seeing who the caller was. Even though the stranger's face wasn't exactly clear, it was clear from Yeonjun's hair and clothes that the photo was from the past.

After laughing at what Kai just said about his father, Yeonjun slightly mixed his hair and took a big inhale from his cigarette. Slowly releasing the smoke out of his plump lips, he tilted his head and began to watch the street lights again.

"How was your flight? Your voice didn't sound very good at the airport.''

''Decent enough. Bahiyyih was annoying as usual. Lea slept the whole journey.''

''I see... Ningning, I don't want to push you but... What happened at home? Why did you guys come to Korea so suddenly? Did something bad happen?''

After Yeonjun's question, Kai, wondering how he would answer for the moment, remained silent for a while. Thinking about what really happened back home still blocks the air in his lungs, making it difficult for him to breathe.

''I will tell you everything tomorrow, Yeonjun. But first I have to enroll in my new high school. And probably talk with a university for a scholarship. After all, it looks like I'll stay here for a long time. But after that mumbo jumbo, we can meet."

''New school?! What the fuck?! Wait, hold on, you're going to study in Korea? What about UCLA?'' shouted Yeonjun while straightening up his body in complete surprise. He knew that it's been Kai's biggest dream since the age of 13.

''I'll tell you every single thing that happened, Yeonjun. But for now, I really have to sleep. You know... I'm in massive jetlag right now,'' sighed Kai while closing his eyes, putting his hand on top of his heart. Even hearing his dream school's name makes his heart ache.

''Okay, Ningning... You know... I love you a lot. Right?''

''I know, Yeonjun-ah. I love you too. See you tomorrow. Okay?''

''Okay, Ningning...''

After closing the phone and leaning his head on the cold window, Yeonjun noticed that everyone in the car was looking at him, expecting an explanation. None of them had ever witnessed Yeonjun speaking to someone so kindly before.

''Okay... So... Who's Ningning? And why are you speaking so cuddly and cutely with him?'' asked Taehyun while taking his head between the two front seats, looking at Yeonjun with a surprised expression.

''A close friend of mine,'' said Yeonjun, while watching the moon that shines on his face. ''A _really_ close friend...''


	4. Entry No.4

_''Kai! Don't go further baby! The waves are getting higher!''_

_''Let him be, Yoo Young. He has Hawaiian blood flowing in his veins! The only thing that_ won't _hurt him would be the waves.''_

_''I've never heard something like 'babies that are born in Hawaii are protected from natural disasters,' David.''_

_''But I heard something like 'children who are nervous enough should not be stressed out even more.' We just got out of the hospital, baby. At least let him have some fun on the coastline. The only injury he would get is becoming wet.''_

...

_''I hate you when you're right.''_

_''I love you too, baby.''_

At the feeling of hot liquid coming out of his nose, Kai slowly turned to the other side of the bed, wrapping his aching body into the soft, gingham blanket while trying to get back to the dream he was currently seeing. The fresh, yet salty, ocean smell, bright as the sun, moonlight hitting his face, sand disappearing under his little toes: they were all as vivid as real life. Even better than real life.

_''Mom, Dad, look! Seashells! They are everywhere!''_

_While holding the countless amount of white seashells between his little palms, Kai began to run excitedly with a bright smile on his face, without knowing anything that would happen seconds later, only wanting to show something beautiful he found to his parents._

_''Kai! Be careful!''_

_Running unaware to his parents without even realizing why his mother was shouting at him, Kai tripped on the rock in front of him, and before his father got to his little body, he faced the hard sand beneath._

_''Kai!!''_

As soon as his button-like nose hit the ground in his dream, Kai aroused from his past and tilted up his head with a dizzy expression on his face, trying to understand what kind of dream he just saw. Sighing deeply, rubbing his eyes, and trying to digest the dream, his eyes caught onto his white pillow. As he saw almost every morning, bloodstains were still protecting their positions on his pillows as usual.

''Good morning, Kai,'' he mumbled to himself while rolling his eyes, scrunching his nose and scratching it. ''Good fucking morning.''

Throwing the blanket aside and slowly straightening up, Kai darkened his eyes. He got dizzy as he stood up too fast without realizing. _Come on... You have to get up. Even though you don't want to._

While he made his fleshy lips into a thin line and looked around for a while, he was thinking what this new day would bring him. He would enroll in the new school that gave him a scholarship, giving up the dreams he'd been planning on since the age of thirteen.

After rubbing his puffy eyes, Kai gripped the bed headboard, getting the strength to roll out of bed. Kai finally stood up from his bed and began to walk to wash his face. He could hear his mother's cheerful voice as he walked in the hallway.

''You don't even have to worry, baby! Trust me! Studying at SNU will give you many more benefits than UCLA! It is Korea's most prestigious school!'' said Yoo Young joyfully while making her children's favorite breakfast: American style pancakes.

''I know, ma. That's why we came here,'' sighed Lea, leaning her chin to her hand, looking through the window in a thoughtful way. Her mind was still at that certain moment, the moment that almost ruined her whole life.

''Good morning~! Jesus, I totally forgot how cold Korea is! Look at that, I'm wearing sleeves in October!''

After hearing her youngest daughter's loud voice, Yoo Young softly chuckled and turned the pancakes.

''Morning to you too, sunshine! Did you sleep well?''

''Yup! Our rooms are way better here! I don't know why, but I'm feeling much more relaxed here! Probably due to the mom factor.'' As she said that, Bahiyyih winked at her mother and smooched her cheek. Yoo Young replied with a laugh. Her relationship with her children was always like that. Being a teenage mother at the age of seventeen pans out like that: her being a mother and a friend to her children.

''That compliment won't give you any extra pancakes though, sweetie.''

''Gosh darn it! At least I tried.''

While laughing and talking to her daughters, Yoo Young could easily feel the absence of her only son.

''Did Kai wake up? The whole house smells like pancakes. Normally he would be here as soon as he smelled it.''

''I smelled it. And I'm here.''

After hearing Kai's voice, everyone in the kitchen turned to him with a different kind of expression on their faces. Lea, despite being tired, cracked a smile. Bahiyyih looked energetic, and Yoo Young smiled brightly like the sun.

''Good morning, Prince Charming. How did you sleep?''

''It was bloody amazing.'' Kai chuckled at his own lame joke and went to his mother's side, kissing her cheek while leaning his chin onto her shoulder.

''If you ever make such a joke like that again, I won't hesitate to call the cops on you, baby.''

''Call them then. I will bore them with my incomparable sense of humor.''

''Ugh Kai... You are just like your father. Neither more nor less,'' said Yoo Young, patting her son's soft, brown hair with one hand.

''I'll take this as a compliment.''

''Trust me, it is a compliment.''

...

After having breakfast and chatting in the kitchen for a while, everyone got dressed and headed out for Kai's and Bahiyyih's school enrollment. Thanks to Yoo Young's friends from high places, the kids could enroll in one of the best international high schools in Korea.

''You sure this is a good idea, mom? I mean... Look at that place. It is gigantic! And it also looks expensive as heck,'' whispered Bahiyyih while pulling her mother closer to her, looking at the school's enormous garden.

''Of course, Hiye! It's not my first time being a mother! It's my close friend's school. I mean... He's one of the administrative staff of the foundation owned by this school.''

Upon hearing his mother's words, Kai immediately turned to his mother and raised his eyebrows in shock. How could she find someone at such a high place? And when did she get close enough to that person? No one gives free scholarships these days, especially expensive schools like this one.

''Wait wait, hold on a minute. Who's this generous hearted person? And why would he help us? I mean, don't take my words the wrong way, mom, but... But this school looks way too fancy for us,'' said Kai while folding his arms, looking at his mother with curious eyes.

''You will meet with him soon. Don't worry, I'm not friends with a loan shark, baby.''

 _Him,_ thought Kai to himself, frowning after hearing his mother. _Did she find a boyfriend? I mean, why am I surprised anyways? It's been 7 years since they divorced._

As they moved towards the principal's room, people's eyes landed on them from the moment they stepped into the school. Bahiyyih was looking at everyone who looked at her while Kai was trying his best to glance away. Even though he is fine with attention, due to his early age playing various instruments in front of dozens of people, this amount of eye contact made him uncomfortable. While taking deep breaths and playing with his face, a reaction of his discomfort, Lea slowly held his hand while looking at her brother's golden brown eyes.

''Calm down, Kamal... It's just admission. You probably won't even see anyone looking at you right now,'' whispered Lea in a calming way, caressing his soft hand.

''I know but still... They're probably thinking about how tan I look or... How funny my features are.''

''No offense, but they can eat my ass, Kai. You look totally hot. I would rather look like you instead of some white-ass bread.''

Hearing his eldest sister's words, Kai couldn't hold in his laughter and closed his mouth with his hand. It really helped him ease a lot.

''Okay, I see you. Jokes aside...That helped me a lot. Thanks, sis.''

''My pleasure. I mean it.''

...

After walking a little bit and talking about the surroundings of the school, the four of them finally arrived at a fancy, glass door with a nameplate on it, written in Korean. _Jang Dong Il,_ read Kai to himself. _It's such a boring name. Pft. Who am I to judge though... Huening Kamal isn't exactly the best name in the globe._

''Hello, Mr. Jang. Sorry for interrupting you. Can I come in?'' said Kai's mother while peeking through the door with a bright smile. ''It's me. Lee Yoo Young. Nam Goong must have mentioned me.''

''Ms. Lee! I was waiting for you! Please come in!''

While the bald, suit-wearing man stood up to greet his friend's acquaintance, Yoo Young joyfully entered the fancy-looking room and reached her hand out in an elegant way.

''It's such a pleasure to meet with you, Ms. Lee. Nam Goong said a lot of things about you!''

''Oh, I'm sure he said a lot,'' laughed Yoo Young in a charming way. She was trying her best to create a good image.

As the two adults talked and greeted each other, the kids were analyzing the room with curious expressions on their faces. The walls of this gigantic room were dark green. Oakwood decors dominated with some no-named paintings. However, no matter how much the room looked elegant and stylish, it could not hide the smell of chocolate cigars that were smoked inside. With his face grimacing at the smell of cigars, Kai scratched his eye again nervously, pulling his t-shirt as if he wanted to wear something more suitable to the atmosphere.

''So they are your kids, huh? Look at them. They all look gorgeous. My name is Dong Il, it's so nice to meet with you all.''

Still unaware that they were in Korea, the kids didn't get the reason why their mother looked at them with big, expectant eyes. The three of them only smiled at the old man brightly and nodded their heads.

''It's nice to meet with you too, sir,'' said Lea with a slight smile. But after a short while, she got the reason why her mother was looking at them as if she wanted to say something. She immediately bowed to the elderly man. As soon as the other two saw their eldest sister bowing, they instantly imitated her.

''So cute... They come from America, right?''

''Yes, Mr. Jang. They're from Los Angeles. But they suddenly decided to study in Korea.''

''Which will be amazing for them. Our school offers infinite opportunities to its students in every aspect. We send so many of our students not only to Korea's but the globe's biggest universities. So their decision is top-notch for them.''

Although all three were already annoyed with their principal, they just smiled and nodded to him to not look impolite and hurt their mother's image. As Mr. Jang "involuntarily" praised his school, the three finally stood up.

''If we are done, for now, let's go to the admissions office. They will give uniforms in there too. Normally we charge parents, but it's on the house,'' said Mr. Jang while winking to Yoo Young.

 _I'm going to choke myself to death,_ thought Kai while walking to the door, folding his arms in each other.

After the whole process, with Kai and Bahiyyih repeating and spelling their names numerous times, the personnel finally handed the paper that was filled with their information.

''If there is something wrong, please tell me, honey.''

Thousands of thoughts were crossing his mind as Kai slowly grabbed the paper and checked it, sighing and starting to read everything that was written on it. It was at this moment that his dreams were collapsing drastically. All the dreams he ever made were fading away in the thin air as he read everything.

''No,'' said Kai while looking over the form in a careless attitude. "All the information is true.''

''Okay... So welcome to SIHS, Kamal Kai! It will be a pleasure for us to have you and your sister here!'' said the woman who did the whole registration process. ''Trust me, you made an amazing choice!''

''Yeah. Sure thing,'' whispered Kai with a thin smile on his face. Since his dreams were ruined now, he could care less about it.

...

After leaving his new school, walking arm in arm with his eldest sister, Kai took a huge inhale and looked up to the sky wistfully. He wasn't sure why, but his heart skipped a beat, and his breaths got stuck in his lungs like he was suffocating in the emptiness of his thoughts.

''Hey, are you okay? You don't look your best,'' said Lea while stroking her brother's hair back. ''Did you take your medicine?''

Kai just shook his head left and right and started to stand on a yellow line at the subway they were waiting for. He was sure that the feelings inside of him were more than physical and also included mentally.

''The problem isn't _that_ this time... I just... Feel like something inside of me hurts. It's like I'm fretting for something I don't even know about.''

''Can we call it nervousness about a new chapter of our life?'' asked Lea while looking at her brother's amber-like eyes.

''Yeah. We can name it like that, I guess,'' whispered Kai, folding his arms and putting his hand onto his chest, squeezing it a little bit to relieve himself.

While Lea patted her brother's back relievingly and smiled slightly to him, the subway they had been waiting for had come and stopped in front of them. The fact that there was Korean writing everywhere, everyone having almond-like eyes and dark hair, started to give Kai the signals that he was now completely distant from America. Fixing his hair while getting inside the subway, he unwittingly sat on a random seat and leaned his head to the metal bar next to him. "It was a tiring day," he grumbled to himself. The aching knee after this tiring day seemed to make things much worse for him.

''Can I borrow your earbuds, sis? I forgot mine at home,'' asked Kai to his younger sister in English. He was used to speaking English with his siblings, after all, even though they were in Korea.

''Sucks to be you then,'' smiled Bahiyyih while putting on her earphones intentionally and throwing her hair back.

''I fucking hate you.''

''I love you too, NingNing.''

Rolling his eyes and closing them with unbearable annoyance, Kai took a deep breath and folded his arms, trying to find comfort in the comfortless seat he was sitting on. "I know what I will do to you at home, Hiye,'' he grumbled to himself, without knowing the fact that someone was staring at him the moment Kai's nickname was said.

And it was none other than Soobin himself.

 _It's him,_ whispered Soobin in his thoughts, examining Kai's features while looking at him with surprised eyes. Fluently talking in English, having non-Asian features, and having "Ningning" as a nickname didn't mean anything _but_ him being _that_ Ningning. Blinking and still looking at him, Soobin finally straightened up in his seat and slowly pulled out one of his earbuds, gently touching Kai's shoulder. He didn't want to be mean or a weird, but a nice person.

''Want to share?'' asked Soobin while looking at the famous Ningning's face with a slight smile, hoping Kai would not understand him wrong.

As soon as Kai felt someone unfamiliar touching his shoulder, he slowly opened his eyes and slightly straightened, turning his head to the source of the voice. He was met by someone overly handsome for his standards. Kai was stunned by the appearance, not knowing how to react to his question. The dark, almost black, brown hair, smooth pale skin, and the piercings covering his almost perfect nose, fleshy lips, and eyebrow made Kai's heart skip a beat. _Is this guy even real?_ asked Kai to himself, not saying anything but staring at the stranger with an unwittingly straight face. _React, you idiot! He'll misunderstand you!_

''Yeah, sure thing,'' whispered Kai while averting his gaze, taking the black earbd as gently as possible, yet being a little bit rough.

With Kai taking the earbys and slowly putting it in his ear in a rough way, Soobin softly chuckled and brought out his brother's old, decolourised, white MP3, trying to find a song that would impress him. Although he was looking at Kai's face straight, Soobin's heart skips were totally contrasting. Seeing Kai's golden, almond-like eyes, his brown hair covering his countenance, and the little moles on his smooth face really made Soobin at loss for words. After gulping and searching for the best song, Soobin finally found one and touched the play button.

''It's kind of an old song, so sorry if it's boring to you,'' said Soobin while looking at the crowd, trying to distract himself.

''Even dog howling would be better than the sounds of the subway. So don't worry,'' replied Kai while playing with his fingers, trying to do the exact same thing as Soobin: distracting himself from the other's face.

_**lazarus - porcupine tree** _

**_As the cheerless towns pass my window_ **   
**_I can see a washed out moon through the fog_ **   
**_And then a voice inside my head, breaks the analogue_ **   
**_And says_ **

**_"Follow me down to the valley below You know_**  
 ** _Moonlight is bleeding from out of your soul_** "

**_This cold world is not for you_ **   
**_So rest your head upon me_ **   
**_I have strength to carry you_ **

After hearing the song's intro and the familiar voice, Kai suddenly tilted up his head and began to look confusedly into the eyes of the boy he was embarrassed to look at. _Is this moment even real?_ he asked himself.

''I know this song,'' said Kai with his big, surprised eyes. This was the song that his father used to sing to him, during every night visit to the hospital, with his guitar.

With these words, Soobin immediately turned his gaze to Kai's and looked deep into the other's eyes. _Is this moment even real?_ he asked himself, just like Kai.

''What? From where? It's a really old song.''

''My dad showed it to me. Whenever I felt like I had lost myself... I used to listen to this,'' said Kai while looking at Soobin's dark eyes, trying to ease his heart skips but failing miserably.

It was a second shock for Soobin. _Is this really real?_ he asked again to himself.

No one had listened to the _same_ songs with the _same_ purposes in his life and now... Having this kind of moment felt like it's not even real, too beautiful to be real.


	5. Entry No.5

_ August 2007, Los Angeles, California. _

It was a hot, summer noon in the state of California. The children were running, laughing, and having fun on the suburban streets, as if the sun was not upon them, as if they weren't affected by the boiling heat of Los Angeles. They were pushing each other into the grass, splashing water onto each other's faces with water guns their families bought, and filling the air with their joyful laughs. A boy that wasn't among them was watching them from inside of his home. He took his face between his little palms, twisting his eyebrows, and sighed deeply while watching his peers play games. It was a very strange feeling to him that the children pushed each other, without the fear of bleeding, and fell flat on the ground. They kept laughing as if nothing happened. Making his lips in a thin line, feeling resentment, Kai slowly sat back to the light grey couch that he was kneeling on. He sat cross-legged and grabbed his Nintendo DS. There was nothing he could do but accept it.

"Let's play Pokemon," he whispered under his breath while opening the game, tilting his head slowly to his left. "They probably can't even beat my score," he grumbled with a slight smile, trying his best to soothe himself.

While waiting for his game to load with a bored expression, he looked around the messy living room with his dainty eyes. He smelled the food that he could recognize wherever he was. It was his mother's best dish, kimchi fried rice.

"Eomma... Are you cooking _kimchi bokkeumbap_?"

"Yes, jagiya! Do you want anything besides that? If you want I can make you _nurungji_ too!"

"No mommy. _Danke_ ," said Kai while checking if his game was loaded or not. They might be living in America, but due to his mother being Korean, his father being German, and living in an English speaking country, Kai always spoke in more than one language at the time.

After waiting a little bit, his game was finally loaded. It gave a better smile to his face. Biting his lips while pressing the console's buttons furiously, Kai was frowning at the feeling of competition. He may be feeling left out, but he was confident about his gaming skills.

"Beat him up, Flareon! Show him what you got!" Kai straightened up his little body as he became wholly absorbed in the game, slightly jumping on the couch. Suddenly, he could hear unfamiliar sounds in his ears: a sound of a child crying, more likely begging.

"Whatcha lookin' at, fancy pants? Did you see something funny like your face?'

Hearing the unfamiliar sounds, Kai slowly kneeled back on the couch and peeked through the window, looking for the source of the voice.

"Look at him. Four-eyed loser. Where's your mommy at?"

"Probably down at Chinatown."

"P-please... Please leave me alone..."

As the ten-year-olds were laughing, poking the boy with their feet and spitting on his face, Kai was watching them with an irresistible irritation, irresistible hate. "I must stop them," he said to himself while getting off of the couch, running to the door. He tiptoed to open the door and then ran towards them as he opened it, embracing a heatwave he wasn't even aware of. Even at such a young age, his mind didn't let him accept such a thing like bullying. For him, no one should ever be treated like garbage.

"Leave him alone you scumbags!" shouted Kai while sprinting to them with his bare feet, unwittingly gripping his console with extreme strength. His heart was pumping, not because of fear, but from adrenaline, from doing something he was not used to: standing on his own feet.

"What?! Who the fuck do you think you are? You dipshit," said the tallest boy while chewing his gum most annoyingly.

"I'm the guy who told you to stop. Got a problem?" Kai said defiantly while frowning. In the end, he wasn't afraid to bleed. Actually, he wanted to.

After hearing the little kid's words, the tallest guy among the bullies, which appeared to be their leader, started laughing wildly as he held the boy next to him. He was amazed at how brave this small twat was.

"Well well. Look at that little fucker. We have a wannabe Superman in here, guys." Tilting his head back and looking at Kai condescendingly, the bully pushed him with his whole strength and let Kai fall to his butt. "Don't be nosey, kiddo. Or I'll crack your head open. Do you hear me? Huh!" As his sentence ended with those menacing words, his foot met Kai's face with the hardest kick that could be thrown to a little boy. Getting a severe blow right into his nose, Kai's small body met with the ground. Luckily, his head hit the soft grass behind the sidewalk.

"This is what you get for being a noisy prick."

At the feeling of hot liquid rapidly leaking from his nostrils, Kai moaned in pure pain, but he didn't feel unwell. On the contrary, he felt amazing, like a normal kid. Slowly straightening up and looking at the guy who gave a kick to his face, Kai wiped the blood with his sleeve like it would make it stop. While looking at the boy, a brand new feeling taking over his body, he slowly looked at his hand and tilted his head. Maybe Kai cannot beat the bully by himself, but his Pokemon would do the work for him.

"Beat him up... Flareon," whispered Kai to himself. Then, with the game he was playing for a long time, Kai perpendicularly threw his Nintendo DS right to the corner of the bully's temple.

Before he could even understand what was happening, the bully, who was caught off guard, stumbled back with the nasty blow. He put his hand to his temple. As soon as he felt the hot liquid in his palm, he immediately lost his whole cool and started to freak out. In the end, he never witnessed someone capable of standing against him. Until now.

"You... YOU FUCKING TWAT! You'll pay for this! You hear me? You'll fucking pay!" he shouted, trying to stop his tears of shock. He and his friends began to go back to where they came from, in tears and full of surprise.

Panting and still wiping his nose with his sleeve, Kai slowly raised his head to the sky and closed his eyes. He started to embrace the sun upon him. Maybe it was a small step for the world, but it was a giant leap for him. It was a giant leap for someone who is a hemophiliac. As he continued to feel the sun in his face and restrained his breath, a shadow suddenly fell in front of him. Slowly, he opened his eyes and began to look at the child who was reaching out to him. It was the first time Kai had seen the face of the boy he took a hit for, and his eyes widely opened. He was noticeably Asian.

"Thank you... So much for saving me... I-I'm Daniel..." whimpered the boy while sniffing. Even his accent was revealing his roots.

 _"Are you Korean?"_ asked Kai in Korean, while holding his hand, trying to ignore the unbearable pain. He was sure that his family would take a visit to the hospital at the end of the day.

As soon as he heard his peer speaking in his native language, he began to look into his eyes, in total shock and joy.

 _"H-How did you understand?"_ asked the young boy, in Korean like Kai, smiling slightly and playing with his fingers as a result of anxiety. _"I-I mean, is it that obvious...?"_

 _"I mean... Your eyes look like my mom's. I took a wild guess,''_ said Kai while smiling, finally giving up on wiping his non-stop bleeding. He reached his hand to the boy. _"I'm Kai... Nice to meet...?"_

With the enjoyment of finally finding a friend, the boy held out his hand with pleasure and smiled enormously, revealing his fallen two front teeth.

_"I'm Yeonjun!! Nice to meet you!!"_

And then, a never-ending friendship started with this coincidental encounter.

*[Nurungji is a nutty layer of golden brown rice that forms at the bottom of the pan.]

\-----

_ 07:10, 24 October 2020, Myeongdong, Seoul _

With his head leaning against the cold iron, hands in his pockets trying to get used to the cold weather, Kai sighed deeply and slowly tilted up his eyes to look at the stations. He's been on the bus for what he might call too long, constantly checking if he has arrived or not. Slowly scratching his nape and listening to one of his favorite songs, he had been in an everlasting thought about his new school life. He used to be a student at Arcadia High School, getting closer and closer to his graduation. He was the star student at an exceptionally competitive school, but suddenly starting from scratch was involuntarily frightening. How would people react to him? Would people make fun of his foreign looks? He may be going to an international school, but how foreign were the students there? As he sighed deeply and pushed his headphones more into his ears, he slowly straightened his body and looked at the people around him. Businessmen in suits and students in uniforms packed the bus. They all had the same expression on their faces: pure apathy at its finest.

**_youth - daughter_ **

**_Shadows settle on the place, that you left.  
Our minds are troubled by the emptiness.  
Destroy the middle, it's a waste of time.  
From the perfect start to the finish line.  
  
And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones.  
'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.  
Setting fire to our insides for fun  
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong  
The lovers that went wrong._ **

Unaware of what he was currently thinking, Kai absently watched the emptiness as he stroked his long, brown hair back, trying to gather his wits while listening to a song that reminded him of someone he doesn't even know. Even though it's been two days since that encounter happened, Kai's mind was still in that uncomfortable subway seat, sitting next to a no-named guy while sharing the same song, with the same thoughts. The stranger's face, whose name Kai may never know, was constantly in front of Kai's eyes. An endless amount of questions were always echoed in his mind. Was he an idol? Why did he share his earbuds with him? And most importantly, had Kai made a bad impression on him? With those unanswered questions and the stuffiness, Kai took a deep breath. He slowly stood up and approached the door.

_I have to forget about him. It was just a one-time thing. We will never see each other. 9 million people are living in Seoul only. You. Won't. See. Him. Again._

Shaking his head left and right and closing his eyes for a minute, Kai tried to concentrate on different things. But couldn't help himself at this moment. _What was his name..._ he asked himself while scratching his nape. _Why didn't I ask his name?_

"Next Station, 6015 - Seoul Garden, Lotte City"

As he heard the bus announcement, Kai corrected his earbuds and his coat. He looked at his reflection from the window one more time and then came down with the crowd of people as the bus stops at its station.

 _I won't think about him or his face. I only shared a song with him. Only 2 stops. Then, both of us would never see each other again. Concentrate on your goddamn music._ As he frowned from his thoughts about the unnamed boy, he began to walk to his school, trying his best to both forget the face and acclimate to the cold weather of Seoul.

...

Trying his best to not to make any eye contact with anyone in the crowded corridors of the school, Kai constantly repeated the same thing he had written on his palm in his head as he was going forward to his classroom. _Class 3-6, 4th floor, last classroom at the end of the corridor. I'm on the 4th floor. This is the 2nd class_. Gazing at every room and looking at their numbers with a straight face, he finally manages to arrive at his.

"3-6. Here we go."

Before entering the classroom, he looked at his hand for one last time, checking if his class was correct or not. After making sure of his class, he dipped his slightly shaking hand into his hair, stroked it back, and whispered, "Let's roll," under his breath. Being careful not to look at anyone and checking around for an empty desk, he could feel the eyes of all the students on him as he entered his new classroom. _Why is it always like this?_ he asked himself while still checking for a desk, finally deciding on one that was next to the window.

"Is that the new boy? Look at him!" said one of the girls in the classroom, poking her friend and smiling enormously.

"Wha-- New boy? Who?" asked another girl with a surprised expression while checking the class. "We're in the middle of October! And there was no one new on the list!"

Unaware of the conversations about him, Kai slowly sat down at the empty seat next to the window and took out his bag. He was still wearing his earbuds and would probably keep wearing them until the teacher came to class. "First lesson is Math... Yay..." he murmured to himself, putting out his notebooks and other stationary. One of two boys in the class directly sat in front of Kai and looked at his face with a big smile. "Oh God... Here we go,"' Kai said to himself and slowly lowered his earbuds, tilting up his head slightly to look at them.

"You're new or... You were in a different class?" asked a blond haired boy while looking at Kai's eyes, full of enjoyment.

"I... I'm a new student, yeah..."

_What do they want from me? Is this going to go badly?_

"So welcome to the hell of dipshits, my dude! My name is Eric! Eric Sohn! It's a pleasure to meet you!" Eric looked at Kai and continued to smile while he threw his arm over the shoulder of his friend next to him.

"I am Liu Yangyang, by the way! Welcome to SIHS, or the seventh floor of hell, as it's more commonly known. However you want to call it," said the other boy, leaning his head to Eric's shoulder.

"Wow," said Kai while looking at them with a more relaxed smile. "Oh, I see, okay." He nervously laughed and played with his cufflink. It was the first conversation he made in his new school and so far, it wasn't even as bad as he had expected. "My name is Kai... Huening Kamal Kai. It's nice to meet you two also."

Hearing the new student's middle name, both Eric and Yangyang changed their expressions from happy to surprised and looked at Kai with big eyes.

"Where are you from? Your name is so unique! Yo man, I don't want to be racist or something but... It really sounds Arabic. Are you Arabic? Which is fine if you are!" shouted Eric with a big smile on his face.

"Well, I'm from the US, but my dad is Baha'i... So my middle name is Arabic."

After Eric heard where Kai is from, he immediately straightened himself and came closer to him. "Which state? Where? Answer me, bro!"

"Los Angeles. You're from there too?" Kai's eyes widened with surprise. The possibility of coming from the same place as someone he had met randomly involuntarily excited him.

"Shut. The. Hell. Up. DUDE! Guess who's from LA too!!" Laughing and hitting his shoulder, Eric directly sat next to him and looked at Kai with sparkly eyes.

"Oh my... Really. That's so cool. Wow. I thought I was going to be alone for the whole year," Kai quietly said while playing with his sleeve, looking at both Eric and Yangyang.

"Nope, man! You won't be! In fact, let's go to the internet cafe after school together! I've been wanting to play Overwatch for a really long time, and I can show you around!!" Eric, who was energetically looking at Kai while throwing his arm to his shoulder, pulled Kai towards himself.

"Yeah! That would be cool! It's been so long since I beat Eric at that game," said Yangyang while smirking and looking at him with challenging eyes.

"You'll just suck my dick, _Ehrenmann_."

After suddenly hearing something in German, Kai looked at them with big eyes and slowly smiled.

"Ehrenmann? Are you guys German?"

"Not me, but Yangs lived in Düsseldorf for 7 years! We call him Ehrenmann 'cause he's too polite sometimes. I guess it means something like 'gentleman.' But don't let that fool you. He's a total ass, mostly."

While blinking in shock, Kai slowly got closer to Yangyang and smiled at him brightly. "Ich bin halb Deutscher."

_(I'm half-German.)_

As soon as Yangyang heard this, he immediately smiled like Cheshire Cat and tilted his head left slowly, as a reaction of his surprisement.

"Was? Ist das dein Ernst?"

_(What? Are you serious?)_

"Ja! Ich meine es ernst!"

_(Yes! I am serious!)_

"Hey, back to Korean, will you guys? I didn't understand a single word," said Eric loudly while frowning but also smiling at both of them.

"We said that the both of us will beat the hell out of you at Overwatch. Right, Kai?" asked Yangyang with a face of full enjoyment, looking at the new boy.

"Yes," said Kai while laughing much more confidently. "We said exactly that."

Maybe this year would not be as bad as he thought.


	6. Entry No.6

_trigger warning: self-harm_

_ November 2009, Pyeongchang Dong, Seoul _

At the sound of raindrops hitting his window, Jungmin listened as he leaned onto his bed. He was sitting on the carpet with his knees drawn to his stomach, thousands of voices echoing in his mind. He lifted his arm as he felt his spirit pull into the void, slowly, and sighed deeply as his shirt clung to his skin with his blood. _What will I do?_ he thought while watching his blood slowly drip to the carpet beneath him. _What will I say to Yoon Ah imo?_ With the gruesome images coming back to his eyes, he grimaced once more and shook his head left and right. Then, he reached out for his MP3 to ease his mind from the unbearable pain conquering his body. He immediately opened a random song and began to listen. He could listen to anything but the whispers that echoed in his mind.

**_creep - radiohead_ **

**_But I'm a creep_ **   
**_I'm a weirdo_ **   
**_What the hell am I doing here?_ **   
_**I don't belong here** _

**_I don't care if it hurts_ **   
_**I want to have control** _   
**_I want a perfect body_ **   
**_I want a perfect soul_ **

As the song filled the room with quietness, except for the raindrops that hit the window, Jungmin slowly dipped his hands into his pitch-black hair and started to ruffle it gruffly. He then began to hit his head with both of his hands harshly. His body was breaking down as if all of his veins were interlaced with the regret he felt, as if a dagger was struck into his lungs over and over again. "Shut up," he whimpered as if someone could hear his voice, but he was only disappearing in the song. "Shut up. Shut up. SHUT UP! I _will_ live. I _will_ survive from this fuckhole... I won't die."

He _was_ dying. He was dying in his thoughts.

As his tears dribbled down onto the carpet that was stained with his warm blood, he heard a sound other than his own sobbing and the song playing in the background. It was someone knocking on the door. Hearing the sound, he quickly wiped his tears and sighed deeply as he put on his cardigan to hide his wrists. Jungmin cleared his throat. _Don't let anything out,_ he reminded himself.

''Come in.''

With Jungmin's head tilted while he looked at the door, trying to ignore the feeling of disgrace, a slight smile came to Jungmin's face when he saw the person opening the door and looking inside. It was one of his youngest brothers, Soobin. He was looking at his brother with sparkly eyes, with his smile that was never disappearing from his face, his always messy hair, and the Spider-Man t-shirt he always wore.

''Hyung... Can I come in?'' Soobin asked while playing with his fingers, turning his body slowly left and right.

With seeing his brother's pure, angelic face and hearing his cute voice, Jungmin softly chuckled and straightened up his body, trying to ignore all the pain from hitting himself repeatedly and cutting himself non stop. _How can I say no to his little face?_ he thought while looking at his eyes.

''Of course, buddy. Come in.''

As soon as Soobin got permission to go inside, he smiled much more widely, closed the door after himself, and then ran to his brother's side. Without saying anything, he slowly sat down next to his eldest brother and exactly copied his sitting style. He pulled his knees to his stomach and tried to wrap his arms, but failed because his arms were too short.

Jungmin raised his eyebrow with a slight smile on his face, trying to understand what his youngest brother was doing. It was such a late hour for him to stay awake. _Did he hear me? Did I scream unconsciously again?_ he thought with a frowning expression. _I'm already a pain in the ass for my parents. I can't let my siblings feel in the same way._

Meanwhile, without even understanding what kind of brainstorm his brother was having, Soobin was just nodding his head to the song and making his lips into a thin line.

"It's Radiohead! Right hyung?" asked Soobin while biting his lip, looking deeply into his brother's eyes.

''Yes, Bubu. It is. But don't try to change the subject Soobin. It's 2 AM. Did something happen?''

''Nothin', I just... Wanted to see you, hyung!'' Tilting his head up to make eye contact, Soobin smiled at his eldest brother brightly, giggling and getting a little bit closer to him. It was obvious that he was hiding something.

''I can see that you are lying, Bunbun. Now tell me the truth. Why are you awake at such a late hour?''

''N-No...I just wanted to see you...'' But as soon as Soobin finished his sentence, the whole house rattled with massive thunder and revealed the real reason for Soobin's wakefulness. Hearing the thunder-claps again, Soobin jumped with fear as he shut his eyes immediately, closing his ears with his tiny hands. His little body trembling with pure fear was a clearly visible sight.

''Oh. I see,'' murmured Jungmin, throwing his arm to his frightened little brother's shoulder and pulling the boy to himself to give a warm hug. Even though he was shivering with the coldness that conquered his body and was desperate to find any kind of heat source, he was ready to give all of his remaining warmth to his little brother.

"Don't be embarrassed to be afraid, Soobinie. Instead of trying to hide it, embrace it."

"B-But... But why would I? It shows weakness," whispered Soobin while snuggling to his eldest brother's bruised, wounded body.

Jungmin softly chuckled as he heard his brother's sentence, shaking his head left and right. He wished to be that pure again, that innocent, blameless. _He is too young... Too young to know life's true face,_ he thought.

"Feeling something is the most powerful thing you could ever imagine, Soobin. It shows that your heart is beating. It means that you are still alive..." Slowly putting his palm to Soobin's little chest, Jungmin painfully smiled at his brother's face and caressed his black hair back. Even the idea of Soobin living the same life as him causes shivers down Jungmin's spine.

"Be alive Soobin. Be alive."

....

_October 2020, Pyeongchang Dong, Seoul_

As the water from the shower-head washed his newly bruised body, Soobin slowly leaned his head to cold tile, letting his wet, dark hair stick. Without even noticing how boiling hot the water was, his body became senseless from the old memories that he hid at the back of his mind. Memories that revealed him his past, revealed to him how blind he was to the crying of his eldest brother. Closing his eyes and scratching his nape harshly, Soobin took a big inhale and slowly leaned his head to the wall, trying desperately to dismiss the old times.

"Come on. You have a job interview today," he whispered under his breath while looking at the emptiness.

He was keeping his promise to his deceased brother wholly but in the wrongest way. He was feeling, but overdoing it. He was living, but living in the hell he created. A hell that was harboring every rancid, nauseous feeling that his eldest brother ever felt when he was alive.

He cleared his throat as he straightened up his body, letting his bones make funny crackling noises. He then ruffled his hair under the hot water. He was trying his best to hide every feeling he'd been facing every day for his family, protecting them from witnessing such a thing again. But no matter how hard he tried, he could't stop seeing those empty eyes, bruised neck, and nearly blue skin. Those images, those screams, tears, and entreaties were haunting him every single night. _He promised to teach me how to play the piano, to stay by my side._

Putting his palm to his chest, where his brother's hand had been placed before, Soobin took a deep inhale and finally opened his eyes, caressing the tattoo beneath his palm. It was an Ouroboros tattoo that resembled infinite love for his brother and his promise to circle life, displaying his favorite animal: a dragon.

After getting out of the shower and wrapping a white towel around his waist, Soobin tousled his wet hair and began to walk to his bedroom while trying to ease himself again, disregarding his thoughts about the past. No matter how much he thought about those times, there was nothing he could do. However, he could change. Just get ready. "They are waiting for you," he mumbled as he tried to get used to the coldness with his warm body.

As soon as he entered his already messy room while shivering due to cold weather, Soobin immediately took off his towel that was wrapped around his thin waist and began to dry his wetness, watching himself in the mirror. His body was his story as he described it every time. Tattoos were revealing his past, bruises and scars foreshadowing his future mixed with his present. A present that he wasn't proud of, but ashamed of.

Slowly caressing the freshly made scars on his shoulder, Soobin slowly released the breath he was holding since he entered his room. He then started to get dressed for his job interview that his father arranged. Wearing a white shirt, custom made grey suit, and a dark grey tie to complete his outfit as he was watching himself, Soobin slowly grimaced his face and shook his head left and right.

"They'll laugh in my face. I mean... Why would someone want to hire me? I didn't even finish university."

While he was combing his dark hair back with his hands, he took a piece of gel from the top of the dressing table and styled his hair. Then, he took off all of the piercings on his lip, nose, ears, and eyebrow. _No one will see my collarbones so why would I take them out?_ he thought while putting his piercings in his little plastic box.

After finally getting dressed and taking out all of his unprofessional-looking piercings, he stepped back slowly and looked at his body and then made his lips into a thin line while nodding.

"I look like I came out of a depressive version of _The Office_ ," he said while grabbing his perfume to spray to his neck, back of his ears, and inside of his wrists. For the first time in his life, he felt like someone important, like his father.

"Let's go."

...

As his steps echoed in the huge building that was decorated with big plants and stone features, Soobin slowly approached the front desk and looked at the women with an intimidating expression without realizing it.

"Hello. I came for Mr. Kang, for a job interview."

"Hello, sir. What's your name?"

"Soobin. Choi Soobin."

"Choi Soobin. Okay..."

While one of the women made the call, a younger one was looking at Soobin sighingly, twisting a lock of her hair. Although Soobin thought of himself as a goblin, there were a lot of people who thought otherwise.

"For which position?" the woman asked with her thin voice while gazing him out.

_Oh fuck. Here we go again._

"Programmer and software engineer. What else do you want?" he asked gruffly while looking at everything but her.

"Oh... Handsome _and_ smart," giggled the woman while tilting her head slowly, looking into Soobin's eyes dreamily.

"Unlike you."

Surprised by what she heard, the younger woman looked at Soobin in a shocked way, while Soobin looked indifferently at the other woman, frowning and waiting for her phone call impatiently. After talking a little while on the phone, the woman finally hung up and turned to Soobin with a bright smile.

''Mr. Kang is waiting for you in his office, Mr. Choi.''

''Thanks.'' Without even caring how rude he sounded, Soobin slowly buttoned his jacket and began to walk to the elevator, leaving two surprised women behind him.

''Did you see his attitude? He's acting like someone important.''

''Yeah. We'll see him again in a minute. He'll come down here with a long face after getting rejected. Mr. Kang won't even accept someone like him.''

''Yup... Haughty ass son of a bitch.''

As the women continued to laugh and talk behind Soobin's back, Soobin arrived at the door of the man he was finally meeting with. He sighed deeply and fixed his clothes and hair. _It's going to be a short one,_ he thought while reading the nameplate next to the door, slowly knocking with thrilling feeling.

''Come in.'' When Soobin heard the deep voice, he immediately cleared his throat and slowly opened the door.

''Good afternoon, Mr. Kang. I'm here for my interview,'' said Soobin while trying his best to look well.

''Hello, Soobin. Nice to meet you. Come on. Take a seat,'' said the rich-looking man while smiling brightly to him. His smile was nearly flawless.

After smiling at the man, showing his dimples, Soobin slowly walked in and then gently handed his CV to the man while sitting on the leather seat. It was visible that his hands were shaking due to his anxiety levels being up to his hilt.

"You used to be a software engineering student at Sungkyunkwan University, but now you're working at a local convenience store. What has changed in your life? Why did you suspend school?"

 _Oh... Fuck,_ thought Soobin while looking at the man's eyes, visibly scared. _What am I going to say to him?_

"I planned to study in Japan but couldn't manage to go there. That's why sir. But I was in my 2nd year and already had enough experience in coding." Soobin slightly smiled at him.

Mr. Kang raised his eyebrows, looked unsatisfied with Soobin, but then gave a slight smile while analyzing his face. He was trying his best to stay in role, but he couldn't hold his laughter anymore and began to chuckle loudly.

"You know... If Taehyun saw your face right now, he would laugh his ass off," said Mr. Kang, Taehyun's father and Soobin's father's best friend.

"Oh, shut the fuck up, Nam Goong-samchon. You destroyed the whole mood!" Soobin raised his voice while frowning and folding his arms together. He tried his best to fool himself into believing that he would be applying for a job at a whole different company. But ended up retrieving himself to reality again.

"You know... We really don't need to do all of this! I mean it's _my_ company for God's sake. Why would you want to do this?"

"Because I wanted to prove myself that I can apply for a job as an adult! That I can talk big to you guys without feeling awkward nor anxious. But I failed miserably again. THANKS TO YOU, SAMCHON!"

"Soobin. I used to change your diapers when you were a baby. How can I act like you're a stranger? You're my second son!"

"You could at least _try_."

"Trust me, Bunbun. I tried. Come on. It's obvious that you got the job. Now let's go for dinner. I know a very well-known place nearby."

Soobin softly let his breath come out of his mouth and then smiled slowly as he leaned on the leather seat. Since the beginning, he knew that he was going to his father's best friend's company, but he wanted to change that thought of his. He wanted to prove that he didn't need to use his anxiety pills. But he couldn't hold himself and allowed his severe apprehension to come out.

"That would be my pleasure, but I have to meet with Yeonjun after this."

"I see... To a bar again?" Nam Goong asked while raising one of his eyebrows, looking suspiciously at Soobin.

"Yes. But what's with the look?"

"I'm just anxious because the both of you started to drink too much. Especially you, Soobin. I don't want you to die because of Cirrhosis."

"A couple of shots won't hurt my liver, samchon."

"If you consider 10 shots of soju as 'a couple,' I would be anxious about your health. Anyways who am I to judge? Like I'm your samchon or something." While shrugging and making his lips in a thin line, Soobin softly chuckled and slowly hit Mr. Kang's shoulder.

"Let's just go..."

As the both of them got in the elevator and joked till they arrived at the lobby, Nam Goong threw his arm on Soobin's shoulder and started to walk with him to the door.

"By the way, how's Yeonjun and Beomgyu? I couldn't manage to talk with them often. Especially after that night."

After mentioning their dinner night again, Soobin took a big inhale and began to untie his tie. "They're all fine. Yeonjun is working with his college entrance procedures and Beomgyu is preparing for his theater play."

As the two of them walked close to each other in front of the women from earlier, Nam Goong turned and stopped while massaging Soobin's shoulder.

"I will go in 10 minutes. Prepare my car," said Nam Goong, back with his deep and intimidating voice.

"No no. I got my car. I can drive by myself."

"You sure? It won't be a problem for me?"

"Don't worry, old hag. I got you. I won't drink that much this time. I promise," Soobin said while smiling to his uncle, patting his shoulder, leaving the women in an eternal shock.

"Fine, fine. But as soon as you arrive home, you'll call me. Okay?"

"Okay, samchon. Love you."

"I love you too, buddy. Stay safe." After smiling at his "second son," Nam Goong slowly pulled Soobin to himself and gave a small, fatherly kiss to his forehead, knowing how Soobin needed those 3 words.

While the two women tried to digest what they just saw, Soobin looked at them shortly and then took out his tie while walking to his top model car.

He was the son of a CEO who was a well-known foundation and charity owner. Being a member of a family that was one of the tax champions in Korea, he never lived his life like that, however. He always stayed humble and never got too proud of his money, but of what his parents did.

After his eldest brother died due from suicide, his family established a foundation based on adolescents' mental health. They built private schools and hospitals all over Korea and established a company to manage them all. But no matter how much his parents' income has grown, Soobin always stayed with his brother's MP3. He always lived in those old songs, just to bring back those old times.

Soobin sighed deeply after he got into the car, throwing his tie and jacket into the back seat, and then started the engine while holding the steering wheel. _A couple of shots won't hurt anyone,_ he repeated again.

_Right?_

_::_

_Cirrhosis: A chronic disease of the liver marked by degeneration of cells, inflammation, and fibrous thickening of tissue. It is typically a result of alcoholism or hepatitis._


	7. Entry No7.

As the clinking sounds of the glasses blended with the song playing behind him, Soobin pressed his lips to his shot of soju-tequila mixture and then swiftly swallowed the hard drink in a lump, holding the table till his fingers turned into a white color. With the burning sensation surrounding his throat, his face grimaced, and he began to suck one of the lemon slices from the plate next to him, while his bandmate, Dongwoo, began to hit him on the shoulder.

''Easy boy. I need you alive, okay?'' laughed Dongwoo while lighting his cigarette and smiling at his band member, who was like his little brother.

''I am fine... Don't worry, _hyung_. I won't collapse with one shot,'' replied Soobin while making a wry face, showing his dimples. ''It's just a shot.''

''Famous last words, I assume.'' Holding his beer with a laugh, Yeonjun looked at his best friend, and then ruffled his hair and sipped his beer. ''How was your job interview by the way? Did they hire you?'' He kept smiling at Soobin like he didn't know who he did the interview with. ''I hope the boss wasn't an intimidating one.''

''Oh, It was amazing! He was super nice and really looks like Taehyun's father. Oh, wait! It _was_ him.''

''What a coincidence. Am I right?'' While Yeonjun took a sip of his beer, laughing at what he said, Dongwoo raised an eyebrow to look at Soobin and then placed his arm amicably on his shoulder with dozens of questions on his mind. Although he had known Soobin for years, he still couldn't understand why he was doing something like this. Working in convenience stores, launderettes, and now applying for a job in a company, even though he didn't even need a single penny.

''I really don't understand your mindset, Soobin. Your family is loaded. You've got a Cadillac CT6-V, yet you're still working minimum wage. Seriously. _Why?_ Are you trying to prove something to your dad?''

As he was about to take a fresh shot and on his way to swallow it, Soobin turned to his friend, the sudden question resulting in a surprised expression. He then slowly turned back and gingerly put his shot glass to the dark wood counter. _His questioning was very normal,_ he thought inside himself, as he slowly made circles around the mouth of the glass with his finger. _After all, nobody who has as much wealth as me would do errands._

''To be honest, it relaxes me,'' murmured Soobin while slowly smiling into emptiness. ''It makes my mind busy... It forces me to focus on different tasks, prevents me from thinking about something bad, something stupid.'' Slowly inhaling and playing with his glass, Soobin raised his head and turned to his hyung.

''Somehow, I'm learning to ease my anxiety. I'm trying to figure out how to deal with it. The more I communicate with people, the more I learn about it. It's more like I'm proving myself that I', not desperate. On the contrary, I'm lucky to have a nice environment around me.''

''Oh... I get it. That's a good reason, to be honest.'' Smiling at his young friend after hearing the reason, Dongwoo reached for his beer bottle and then gently lifted it, looking at both Soobin and Yeonjun. ''So... Cheers for Soobin's new career as a programmer! I hope this decision won't delay our band practices!''

While looking at his older hyung with a pleased smile, Soobin slowly raised his already filled shot glass and looked at both of them. ''Cheers for me!''

''Cheers for the bunny boy!'' laughed Yeonjun while the three of them clinked their bottles and glasses, then chucking them swiftly.

At this moment, which was one of the rare moments when he felt peaceful, Soobin smiled enough to show the dimples on his face. It was the first in a while that he was feeling grateful for his breathing after a very long time. His corrupted thoughts and miserable feelings from the morning were totally gone, now replaced with the sensation he was absorbed with. Surrounded by his loved ones, having a viable job, and his family being healthy were enough for his happiness. _Maybe my shooting star wish came true,_ he thought to himself. _Maybe that star was Jungmin-hyung... He finally heard my prayers and now gave me what I needed. Happiness._

But little did Soobin know that his wish _didn't_ come true. In fact, it was only about to start.

...

Three weeks after he started his new school life in Korea, Kai, who had devoted all his wealth to studying, was frowning while solving some math problems, listening to lo-fi songs alongside with it. With the dim light filling into his room and the vanilla candle he lit giving a pleasant smell, he was completely focused on his practice test, solving the questions one by one, while trying not to worry about his unbearable headache since the morning. Like Soobin, he was trying to prove something. He had not taken his medication for days, trying to push his limits in the most dangerous way. But little did he know that his stubbornness was the thing that hurts him the most, all the time.

''I have to use the formula sine 2x equals 2 times sine x times cosine x. Multiply the 2 sides of the expression by 2 sine 6... Then I need the half-angle formula... And the answer is cotangent 6 over 18. B.'' After muttering, solving the question, and circling the answer quickly, he turned around the back of his book and looked at the answer key.

''Test 34, question 10, and the answer is...'' While trying to find the answer to his question by gently sliding his finger across the paper, he made a thin line on his lips and nodded slightly as he saw the answer.

''C. _Fuck_.''

After hours of solving questions and dealing with his severe headache and overall tiredness, he pulled his earbuds out of his ear, then tilted his head slightly back to watch the ceiling. "What am I even doing?"he whispered to himself while trying to understand what kind of mood he was in. He was sure that he was feeling tired due to making a stab at something, but that looked like it wasn't only about his physical health. It's more than that.

''Maybe I just miss Arcadia. Maybe I just miss my dad...'' Watching his ceiling with gloomy eyes and playing with his own hair, memories of a few weeks ago were coming back involuntarily again in front of his eyes. Eating tacos at Taco Lita after school with his friends, taking Bahiyyih to her ice-skating training, having gossip nights with his eldest sister on their front porch, and trying to drive with his dad's old SUV: all those good memories, now in the past, would remain there. And trying to adapt himself to his new life and new memories challenged him the most.

''Yeah... I miss them.'' Slowly inhaling and mixing his hair, Kai closed his eyes for a second and tried to ease his mind and just smell the sweet smell of vanilla that came from his candle. But his small relief session lasted a short period of time, due to his youngest sister calling out for his name.

''Kai! Could you please help me to pass this level? It's too hard!''

Kai sighed deeply and slowly opened his eyes, staring at the ceiling in emptiness. If there was one thing he didn't want, it was to get up from his chair and stare at the huge, radiant television with his current sore eyes.

''Do it yourself, Hiye! I'm too tired to play right now.''

''Oh, come on, you little baby! I thought you were a good older brother, but I guess not!''

''Don't try reverse psychology on me, you little crying baby! I won't come downstairs!''

''PFT! I DON'T NEED YOU! YOU PUSSY BOY!''

Kai, whose head was already aching as if were to crack, was also very annoyed by his sister's swearing at him and started to squeeze the corners of his seat. It was already a tough night for him.

''WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST CALL ME, BAHIYYIH?! Don't consider yourself a thing just because Mom and Lea aren't at home!''

''KEEP BARKING, KAMAL! KEEP BARKING LIKE A LITTLE PUSPUS DOG!''

That was it for Kai who was already on the edge of his patience. He was usually fine with his sister's general attitude, but having an already tense day was enough for him.

''I'LL FUCKING SHOW YOU WHO'S BARKING, YOU LITTLE DIPSHIT!''

As he angrily shouted to his little sister, Kai immediately stood up from his seat and ran to his room's door. He then began to run downstairs with his blood boiling. Holding the handrails tightly until his knuckles turned white, he suddenly stopped before he even reached the middle of the stairs and gulped. He closed his eyes and shook his head left and right. His body began to react in no time to this sudden rise, as all of Kai's muscles began to tingle, his gums began to ache, and his vision started to darken, leaving him in an opposeless situation. _What the fuck..._ he thought, trying to open his eyes and look around. As everything darkens and fades, the surroundings swing from side to side in his vision, as if the veins leading to his brain are clogged, leaving him with a gruesome feeling.

''Hiye,'' he whispered under his breath, trying to hold the banisters with all his strength but slowly losing entire control of his muscles, losing his balance in a minute. And without even realizing what was happening, he began to fall down the sharp-edged stairs, crashing his sensitive body at every single step.

With the loud crashing and his brother's painful moaning, Bahiyyih immediately stood up from her beanbag and ran to the entrance of their home, where the stairs were, and froze at witnessing one of the things she wished she wouldn't see in her entire life. And it was her brother's body, leaning on the floor, lifelessly.

''KAI! Oh my gosh, Kai!!'' Absolutely freaking out and crying her heart out, Bahiyyih immediately crouched and laid her brother's head onto her knees, analyzing every single inch of him. ''Kai, can you hear me? Oh my fucking God, can you hear me?''

While examining his head and looking to see if he had any wounds, hot liquid came out from under the hairs from his forehead, filling her palm. Bahiyyih started shouting and trembling with pure fear that conquered all of her body. ''Oh no... OH NO!'' she whimpered while holding her brother like there was no tomorrow, shaking her body from the back to the front without knowing what to do. _Calm down, Hiye... Calm down. He'll live. Stand up. Call the ambulance. CALL THE GODDAMN AMBULANCE!_

''Kai... Don't you dare sleep, okay? I'll call an ambulance now... Okay? DON'T YOU DARE DIE ON ME! YOU CANNOT LEAVE ME THIS EARLY! DO YOU HEAR ME?!''

With his sister crying and going to pick up her phone, Kai was finally able to open his eyes and began to watch the ceiling like he had watched in his room a few minutes earlier. The sticky, hot liquid that slowly flowed from his forehead was making his sight difficult, giving an unbearable ache to his head. _Am I dying?_ he asked himself while swallowing the blood that filled his nasal, licking the blood covering his lips. _I guess I'm dying._

''OKAY! Okay, I'm here! I'm here, Kai, I'm here! Can you hear me?'' Bahiyyih sobbed while trying to dial the emergency number with her shaking hands but only leaving her phone screen in blood. ''JESUS CHRIST! Oh my God!''

''Bahiyyih... D-Don't... Don't call the ambulance.'' Whispering as if his throat was rupturing, Kai glanced at his sister, tired even with a fleeting sentence. He then stared at her and coughed slowly. ''I-If you call them... They... They will bring us to the closest... Closest hospital. Which is... Where mom... Works...''

''ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND, KAI? You are bleeding like hell, there's no way--'' Not even letting his sister finish her sentence, Kai used his last remaining power and grabbed the phone. He then tried his best to open the contacts but failed at it miserably.

''Ca... Call... Call Yeonjun. Call him...''

''W-WHY?! Why would I call him?''

''S-Stop interrogating me, Hiye... I'm... Dying. Call him.''

After hearing her brother stating the situation himself, Bahiyyih started to cry even more and took the phone out of his hands. She knew how stubborn Kai was, but she didn't think he would be so stubborn even on his deathbed.

''YOU ARE SO OBSTINATE, KAI!''

''I'm not a Capricorn though,'' he whispered while slowly smiling, trying to adapt himself to the pain he was in. He was capable of making lame jokes, even in his severe situation.

''JESUS CHRIST!'' Yelling at her brother, Bahiyyih wiped her tears with her hand covered with her brother's blood and then immediately started to wait for Yeonjun to pick up the phone. ''Come on Yeonjun-oppa... Come on! COME ON!''

...

Unaware of all that happened at the time, Yeonjun took a large sip of his beer and wrapped his arm around Soobin, swaying while singing along with the song that was playing at the bar, giggling and having a wonderful time with his friends. At the ringing of his phone on the table, Yeonjun raised one eyebrow as soon as he saw the caller and slowly straightened up on his chair, picking up the phone and putting it to his ear. While Bahiyyih normally never called, the unexpected call made him involuntarily worry if something happened to her or Kai.

''Hiye, sweetie?'' softly spoke Yeonjun while looking at Soobin and Dongwoo, who were trying to understand who called their friend.

''Y-Yeonjun... Yeonjun-oppa... S-Something... Something happ--'' Without even letting herself finish her own sentence, Bahiyyih began to cry out loud and hugged her brother tighter. ''I-I...''

''Wait wait. Calm down, baby girl. What's happening? Tell me, is everything alright?'' Yeonjun immediately stood up after hearing his best friend's little sister, someone he loved like his own. His body began to tremble with pure fear and anxiety. ''Talk to me, sweetie.''

''K-Kai... Kai fell down... From the stairs... He's bleeding, oppa... He... He didn't let me call an ambulance... Please come here, oppa, please... I don't want to lose my brother, please...''

At the end of her sentence, Bahiyyih couldn't hold herself any more and began to cry much louder than before, desperately trying to suppress her voice by slowly closing her mouth with her hand, looking at her brother that was covered with blood. _''Please don't die, Kai... Please... I don't know what to do without you... Please... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry...''_

Hearing Bahiyyih's words and her miserable tone, Yeonjun completely lost himself and began to look into the emptiness with full eyes. He then put his hand to his mouth, trying to restrain himself from crying. _This isn't happening,_ he thought while letting his tears flow from his eyes, shaking his head left to right. _This is a nightmare. No. No. NO!_

''Dude, what's happening? Who is that? Talk to me!''

At hearing his friend's shouting and shaking his body, Yeonjun slapped himself hard to keep his mind on his head and then cleared his throat as he put his phone back to his ear, beginning to speak.

''I-I'm coming. Okay, sweetie? I am... On my way right now, baby. Don't let your brother sleep. Okay?''

''O-Okay... Okay, oppa...''

After closing the phone and immediately slapping himself again, Yeonjun pulled a wad of money out of his pocket and threw it at the bar counter. He then ran towards his car without even looking at his friends. His gums tingled as all his muscles contracted in pure fear. It was as if blood was not pumping into his brain. _I won't let him die. No... No..._

''Yeonjun!'' Unable to even grasp what was happening, Soobin and Dongwoo ran after their friend and came to the car with him. Dongwoo held his friend's shoulder and turned Yeonjun's face to himself. ''What the actual fuck is happening, dude? What's with slapping yourself and crying? Who was that?'' shouted Dongwoo while frowning and shaking Yeonjun slowly.

''MY FRIEND IS DYING! That's what's happening,hyung! I have to take him to the hospital!''

Hearing what Yeonjun said, Soobin looked at him with pure fear and came closer to him. _What if it is Ningning?_ Soobin asked himself, beginning to worry about the boy whose real name he didn't even know. _What if something happened to him?_ He blinked several times as he continued to stare at Yeonjun in horror, holding in the questions he was too afraid to hear the answers for.

''Let's go then! What are we waiting for?'' shouted Soobin while getting into the back seat and looking at his friends. ''COME ON!''

All three friends had moved quickly to the car with Soobin yelling at them. Dongwoo was constantly trying to calm Yeonjun while Yeonjun was driving the car like there was no tomorrow. Soobin was nervously gnawing his nails in the back seat, trying to not think about the possibility of the person being Ningning. He didn't know a single thing about the boy, but any probability of something bad happening to Ningning gave shivers down his spine. There was something in his eyes. Something that he couldn't name, but feel. _Stop thinking about bad things,_ he reminded himself. _Whether it is him or not, you have to calm down._

After a few minutes on the road that would normally take half an hour, Yeonjun parked in front of a modern-looking apartment, and before he even closed his car door, he started running toward the apartment at full speed, calling Bahiyyih while panting non-stop. His heart was beating as if it was coming out of his chest. His muscles were trembling with fear.

''BAHIYYIH, OPEN THE DOOR!'' Yeonjun shouted while getting into the apartment. Without even waiting for the elevator, he began to run up the stairs while slowly crying, bracing himself to any kind of scene he was about to see.

''HE'S HERE! KAI, YEONJUN-OPPA IS HERE! CAN YOU HEAR ME! Please answer me, Kai... Please...''

Even though he could see his sister's face with his darkened vision and unbearable headache, Kai was only able to lick his dry lips and desperately tried to shake his head to answer his sister. But he only looked at her with withered eyes.

 _Don't give up,_ Kai reminded himself. _Try harder for your mother, your father, your sisters. Even though you want to call it off, they need your existence. You can't let your sickness win._

With difficulty swallowing, the blood filled his nasal, and Kai tried to grab his sister's hand. His doors were knocked acutely. Kai turned his gaze to the apartment door and then began to look again at that familiar ceiling as his sister stood up carefully. If he had been keeping calm, he would have continued to stare at the same white ceiling in his room and smell his vanilla candle, only caring about the value of cosine. But now, he had to care about whether he was going to die or remain alive.

''KAI! Kai... Oh my God...'' Although he had tried to prepare himself for every scene he could possibly see, seeing his best friend lying on the floor covered in blood threw Yeonjun into pure shock, throwing himself steps back. The lackluster whiteness of his slightly tan skin, the soft brown hair covered in his own blood, stuck to his forehead, and his body lying on the ground unconsciously were clogging all of Yeonjun's veins, filling his lungs with a feeling like tar.

''Kai. Okay... Okay, I'm here... Can you hear me, Ningning? I'm here.'' He was biting the inside of his cheeks and staring at the ceiling, so as not to cry next to Bahiyyih, while slowly taking Kai's delicate and blood-laden body into his arms. ''Come on. Let's go...''

While Yeonjun and Bahiyyih rushed down the stairs and headed towards the car without even looking behind, Kai only watched the silhouettes moving away from him as his head rested on Yeonjun's shoulder, constantly bringing his mother's and father's face before his eyes to stay awake. With his mother's beautiful hazel eyes and his father's blond hair slowly showing up in front of his eyes, Kai slowly tilted his head and gulped in pain, grimacing his face.

''Fuck.'' That was the only thing he said for half an hour.

Soobin, on the other hand, gnawed his fingernails and looked behind the car window at the entrance of the apartment and wondered where they were, having cramps in his stomach from anxiety and letting his fingers bleed without noticing. ''Please don't be him,'' Soobin whispered under his breath. ''Please don't be Ningning.''

As Bahiyyih ran to the other side of the back seat with tears in her eyes, Yeonjun quickly opened Soobin's door as he slowly put Kai's worn body on Soobin's lap. He caressed his blood-covered hair to the back and immediately grabbed a towel to press to the wound on Kai's forehead.

''Soobin, never stop pressing it, okay?''

While Yeonjun got in the front seat and started the car, Soobin slowly turned his gaze to the person lying in his arms unconsciously, unwittingly holding his breath.

_It was him..._


	8. Entry No.8

  
As the car tried to move forward in the traffic surrounding them, the sounds of cars and whimpering filled the atmosphere. Soobin was staring at Kai, still not believing it was him placed on his lap, constantly pressing the blood-soaked cloth against his bleeding forehead. It's been half an hour since they were on the road but the traffic jam didn't lessen and Kai's forehead wouldn't stop bleeding, which led Soobin into an unbearable apprehension.

''Kai, I'm so sorry... I am so sorry, please don't leave me. I shouldn't have called you that. I shouldn't have insulted you,'' whimpered Bahiyyih while holding her brother's hand, pressing her lips to his hand and slowly caressing it, letting her tears mix with the blood on the top of his hand. ''I didn't want you to end up like this. Please don't leave me.'' As Bahiyyih ended her sentence, she started to cry much more intensely than before, leaving herself in unbearable remorse. Although she was accustomed to her brother's sudden bleeding and constant emergency visits, she always tired herself out of anxiety as if it was their first time. ''Please don't leave me,'' she repeated.

''Shhh, calm down. He won't leave you this easily. You have to be a strong girl.'' Soobin glanced at the little girl crying next to him and sighed softly. He then began to hug the body more tightly, unaware of what was happening within his arms. He could easily understand what kind of thoughts the little girl had in her mind, easily empathizing with her concerns. ''Now wipe off your tears and straighten up your body, sweetie. Your brother needs your strength more than anything right now. Come on...'' Softly speaking and looking at her in the most calming way, Soobin slowly caressed her hair with his empty hand and then gave her a napkin from his pocket.

With hearing those words from a stranger, Bahiyyih sniffed slowly and looked at him and then at her brother. _He is right_ , she thought while holding his hand much more tightly than before. _I have to be strong. I must stop crying, and I have to calm down._ Slowly, she took the napkin out of his hand and wiped off her tears. Bahiyyih tried her best to smile at him as a response and then sighed deeply.

''Okay,'' she whispered, kissing her brother's hand and looking at the jammed traffic. ''I will stop crying. Thanks for... your words.''

''Well done. And no problem.'' After Soobin glanced at Bahiyyih one last time and smiled at her in a fatherly manner, he slowly turned his concerned gaze back to Kai. He then pushed away the dry, bloody hair from Kai's eyes and began to stare at Kai's pale face. Soobin couldn't believe that the boy whom he sat with on the subway just two weeks ago, whom he shared his earbuds and thoughts with, is now bleeding, dying in his arms. 

_What a small world_ , he bitterly thought. 

Looking at Kai's face and slowly wiping off the blood that covered his cheeks, Soobin sighed deeply and gently held Kai's head on his lap. _I shouldn't let him sleep. It might lead to worse, more unimaginable things_. Slowly caressing Kai's head and soft hairs to find another wound, Soobin sighed deeply, releasing all the air out of his lungs, then tilted his head to his left. _At least there is only one wound._

''Hey. Can you hear me?'' Soobin softly whispered, pressing the blood-coated towel a little bit more to Kai's forehead. ''If you can, say something.'' His fingers delicately grazed Kai's forehead as if the mere touch would give him an answer to his question.

Kai, suddenly reacting to the familiar voice, strained almost all the muscles in his body to reveal his amber-colored eyes. He then began to look at the boy above him, who had been haunting his mind for days. Big, gentle eyes, dimples ingrained in his skin at the mere quiver of his lips, hair black as charcoal, and smooth skin like porcelain: Soobin's every feature guided Kai to grip Soobin's shirt more tightly as he attempted to smile. _The piercings aren't there._

''This isn't our first interaction, is it?'' whispered Kai in pain, snuggling his head into his shoulder and gulping the blood in his nasal. His head was too sore to question why Soobin was here.

Upon hearing Kai's sentence, Soobin softly chuckled and smiled at him. He took off the towel, which got heavy from absorbing so much blood. He began to look at the wound. Kai's wound was fresh as if it happened only seconds ago, despite all the efforts that had taken place. Grimacing at the wound, Soobin looked around for something to press with. After a failed search, he squeezed the blood from the towel into his hand and placed it back on Kai's forehead.

 _Why is it still bleeding so much?_ Soobin thought, not saying anything out loud. He was sure that his concern would make the sister much worse than already.

''It isn't. But I would have much rather met you again at a cafe, or something like that.'' Soobin softly chuckled and looked at Kai's amber eyes. 

Realizing that the eyes that he couldn't help but plunge into and admire were slowly closing, Soobin's eyes widened anxiously. He carefully stroked back the hair falling into Kai's eyes as he gently shook Kai's body. ''Hey. _Hey_. Um... C-Can you sing a song? Sing your favorite song, I want to hear it.'' The latter statement was not exactly a complete lie for Soobin. He wondered if this boy he seemed to keep meeting through fate had a voice as entrancing as his eyes.

Frowning in surprise, Kai realized what Soobin was trying to do. He, then, with a slight smile, pushed himself towards Soobin's white shirt, covered with blood, letting his body be coated with a unique, masculine aroma. ''Are you really that afraid of me dying?'' Kai whispered and held onto Soobin's shirt more tightly. ''This isn't the first time... Don't worry, I've made deals with the Grim Reaper before.'' Slowly chuckling at what he said, Kai slowly tilted up his head and looked at Soobin's eyes, mesmerized. Why was this person, whom he saw only once in his life, so worried about him? 

''I don't care about whatever deal you made with Mr. Reaper. I'm sure he's pleasant, but I only wanted to hear your voice.'' Soobin anxiously smiled and slowly dabbed the cloth as if it would make a difference. ''Why would you ask something like that?''

''Wow. You're a horrible liar.'' Although all of his muscles were cramping with insufferable pain, Kai slowly laughed and looked at Soobin's eyes. ''You have to improve your lying game...'' 

Upon hearing Kai's words and soft chuckles, Soobin rolled his eyes but looked back at Kai and stroked his hair. Even with the situation Kai was in, Soobin was shocked by the fact that someone would be capable of making jokes about his state. Moreover, Soobin wondered why Kai was so used to it. _Is he a quarrelsome person? Or does he have some kind of sickness?_ Soobin wondered.

''We're finally here, about time! Kai? You're still with me?'' shouted Yeonjun while turning the wheel hard to his left, aggressively parking in the hospital parking lot. ''Answer me, Ningning! Answer!''

''Stop shouting... I'm not sleeping...'' 

While Kai tried to ignore the pain he was in, nestling into Soobin's arms and inhaling his scent, Yeonjun opened the car door as if he was about to break it. He took his childhood friend from Soobin's arms. With the thought of anything happening to Kai, Yeonjun's heart skipped a beat, clogging his vein with pure anxiety and collapsing his lungs. For the first time in his life, his strength wasn't enough for him. He was only left in a miserable, powerless state.

''Come on... Everything is going to be alright... Dongwoo- _hyung_ , take Bahiyyih to another place please. She has had enough for today,'' Yeonjun stated while fixing Kai's shirt.

''Wait, what? Fuck no! I'm coming with my brother!'' Bahiyyih, who had tried her best to not drop a single tear during the whole journey, spoke furiously and frowned in pure shock. ''What makes you think I could leave him alone?!''

Suddenly, Yeonjun slowly turned to her and made a face that Bahiyyih had never seen in her entire life. It was such a face with dozens of expressions, dozens of bad expressions revealing Yeonjun's every thought. 

''If you possibly want to see your brother's _corpse_ , then _go ahead and come in_ ,'' Yeonjun seethed through gritted teeth. His quiet, abrupt sentence was much scarier than any time he had lost his temper and screamed like a madman. ''And I was thinking about your well-being.''

Yeonjun looked at her eyes and suddenly blinked in realization. He grimaced with pure disgust, but it was too late to take the words back.

_Oh. Fuck._

''Just... _Leave_. I'll call you after.''

At hearing Yeonjun's words and seeing the hatred on his face, Bahiyyih only looked at him with pure shock and sadness, finally releasing the tears that had been hiding in her eyes. Her fragile body trembled non-stop. With the possibility of Yeonjun's statement vivid in her mind, she gulped with difficulty and looked at her brother. Her stomach almost came to her mouth, taking her into overwhelming anxiety.

 _In the end, everything happened because of me,_ she thought while reaching for her brother's hand, then slowly placing a kiss on it. Even though she was about to faint due to the unbearable guilt and sadness that took over her body, Bahiyyih looked at only her brother and came closer to Kai's face. She smiled while trying her best to hide her sorrow in her eyes.

''I'll fucking kill you if you die, Hyuka. Got it?'' Caressing his hair back and looking deeply into his eyes, Bahiyyih kissed her brother's cheek one last time and whispered, ''Ich brauche dich lebend, Vollidiot.'' 

_(I need you alive, idiot.)_

After hearing his sister's words and her speaking in their father's native language, Kai pushed to all of his limits and gave out a small chuckle. He looked at his sister with painful, yet bright, eyes. The things she had faced today were much worse than what he had dealt with. He only lived in pain, but his little sister felt both pain and remorse. 

''Alles wird gut, Hiye.''

_(Everything will be fine, Hiye.)_

Kai looked at his little sister and slowly smiled as if everything was really fine. But he tried his best to mask the unbearable pain. ''Now, please, go. Wait for me, okay?''

Finally looking at her brother one last time, Bahiyyih got back to the car and looked at the man she had never seen before, but she trusted him since he was Yeonjun's friend.

''Please... Let's go. I don't really feel like looking at Yeonjun- _oppa_ and dealing with his anger issues.''

''Of course, sweetie. But I am sure that he didn't mean it,'' said Dongwoo while holding the steering wheel, looking at Bahiyyih with sympathetic eyes. ''He's just anxious about your brother.''

''You don't have to explain to me. I've known him since I was three.'' She looked at him with teary, but much calmer eyes. Bahiyyih sighed deeply and slowly took a wet napkin from the glove compartment, beginning to wipe off her brother's dried blood.

''Oh, alright.'' After glancing at the little girl next to him, Dongwoo peered at Yeonjun one last time and then started the car, taking her to a place where she could distract herself from her brother.

With the car gone out of sight, Yeonjun slowly fixed Kai's position between his arms and urgently ran to the emergency room, trembling in terror and looking for hospital personnel. The possibility of even a delayed, mistreated minute could end Kai's life. Yeonjun's heart was skipping beats, putting a stone into his throat, letting him suffocate with his own breath.

''Please, help us! He's bleeding,'' Yeonjun urgently said to nearby staff, shouting and crying out loud. Doctors hurriedly brought a stretcher for Kai and helped Yeonjun slowly put the boy on, checking for visible wounds.

''He's been bleeding for the past 45 minutes," Yeonjun managed out through broken breaths, air getting stuck in his throat. "He has severe hemophilia A, and he fell down a staircase."

At this crucial information, the doctors immediately looked at each other with visible fear and then turned the stretcher towards the tomography room, running there while urgently talking.

''Do you know his blood type?'' 

''A! It's got to be A, I'm sure of it.'' From childhood till now, Yeonjun bore Kai's blood type in his mind, never forgetting it. 

''I need two packs, get some blood bags. Prepare 3 doses of Factor VIII. _Urgently_.''

''We'll come back as fast as we can.'' While two of the nurses ran into the opposite side, the seemingly head doctor looked at Kai's eyes with his little light, checking his pupillary response for any damage in his brain.

''Can you hear me, sir? If you can, please follow the light with your eyes,'' said the doctor while moving his flashlight slowly left and right.

Kai slowly followed the light and cleared his throat in pure pain. He was used these kinds of procedures since his childhood. ''Yes... I can hear you..."

''Good... We're going to take your CAT, okay? Don't sleep.'' 

''Don't worry, doc. It's not my first time... Being in here and in this state...''

After hearing his patient's cheeky response, the doctor smiled gently and opened the doors of the tomography room. ''You're a troublesome one, I assume?'' 

''I just like to live my life on the edge.''

While the doctors placed Kai into the machine and prepared themselves for the sudden operation, Yeonjun and Soobin were waiting outside of the room, looking at each other with pure concern. It was normal for Yeonjun to feel so worried. It was his lifetime best friend, after all.

But Soobin never understood why he was so worried about someone he only met once in his life. It was only a coincidental subway trip, but he was just as worried as Yeonjun.

''I hope we're being nervous over nothing,'' murmured Soobin while folding his arms, leaning his back to the wall. 

''For everyone's sake, I hope you're right. Jesus, how could this happen? Why didn't that little brat look after himself and act more carefully? Ugh, Kai!'' Walking back and forth in the corridor while scratching his head furiously, Yeonjun _hmphed_ harshly and bit his lips. 

While hearing his friend's words, Soobin slowly tilted his head and began to think about what Yeonjun had said minutes ago and the doctors' reaction. He had never heard of anything called hemophilia. Not even something close to that. But due to the doctors' panic and the need for blood bags, Soobin assumed that it must have been a blood disease, probably a serious one.

 _Should I ask him?_ Soobin thought to himself but immediately shook his head to forget about it. If he asks this question to Yeonjun right now, he would probably freak out.

''He looks like a strong person. I'm sure that it'll only be some suturing. I saw his eyes, you know. He is determined to live. Trust me.'' 

There were no options for Yeonjun other than to trust his best friend. In the end, it was what he wished for. 

''I'm trusting you.''

...

After the scan, the doors of the tomography room were finally opened. Soobin and Yeonjun straightened within a second and immediately went to the doctor, looking at his face with concern and curiosity. Although the doctor was still serious, he had a more relaxed expression on his face. Kai was pulled out on a stretcher just a little ways behind the doctor.

''It looks like there is no brain damage. He still needs a blood test urgently. I am sure that his blood levels are much lower than we think.''

At hearing the doctor's words, Kai looked at his friend's face with pain and sighed deeply, then glancing away and licking his lips. As he could roughly predict the results, the blood test could show that he had not been using his medications for the whole week. He would have to tell his mother. 

_Fuck_ , he thought to himself and slowly closed his eyes. _I'll be in huge trouble._

''So no surgery? Operations? He only needs a couple of blood bags?'' asked Yeonjun while releasing the air out of his lungs with ease, smiling to his best friend and holding his hand. 

''We'll put him under medical supervision for a night, then we'll decide what to do. But I have to contact his parents. Do either of you know them?'' asked the doctor.

''His parents are living in the States. He came here to spend his holiday with me in Korea. I'll take responsibility," Yeonjun said strongly.

''Okay, but... Who are you, young man? His friend or something like that?''

''I'm his stepbrother. Choi Yeonjun. And I'm an adult, I'm 23 years old. So I guess I can take the responsibility, right?'' He looked at the doctor with determined eyes, not giving away a single clue that would reveal his lie.

The doctor shook his head in a satisfied way. ''Yes. You can,'' said the doctor. He turned the stretcher and he placed it by the window, in the farthest corner of the room. ''The nurses will manage the rest, and I will check your medical records. Okay, Kai?''

''Yeah, sure thing,'' Kai murmured while looking at his best friend and the boy he met, trying his best to smile at them. ''I guess I ruined everyone's night, huh?'' he said while grimacing his face in pain and breathing slowly.

''You didn't do anything wrong. Don't be so harsh on yourself,'' said Soobin while smiling softly to him and folding his arms. Soobin looked at him with relief, mentally wondering about how he could have such strong emotions towards someone he's only met through accidental encounters. ''Your wellbeing is the only thing that matters right now.''

''We'll see about that after the blood results,'' Kai whispered while turning his head to the nurses that were about to suture his wound and perform venipuncture to inject his antihemophilic factor medicine.

''I'm going to make three doses, okay, sweetie?'' said the woman while applying a tourniquet to his upper arm.

''Yeah. Thanks for your hard work,'' said Kai while looking at both women, smiling at them kindly. Since his mother was also a nurse, Kai respected them as if they were his own. He knew too often that they were not always getting the respect they deserved. 

''It's our pleasure, honey. Although, you should have been careful. What would have happened if we were too late?''

''I'd probably be dead by now.''

''Don't say that.'' 

"You asked!" Kai smiled cheekily.

Suddenly stressing over his friend's words, Yeonjun looked at Kai with a frown while the latter painfully closed his eyes as the nurse poured antiseptic on his wound. It burned with pain like hot lava, throbbing Kai's brain. He stretched his hand into the void as if someone would hold it. 

''It's going to hurt for a while, baby. Sorry.'' 

Biting his lips in pain and only slightly nodding, Kai opened and closed his palm.

Suddenly, within the breath of a moment, Soobin instinctively grabbed Kai's hand and crouched down to his side. Soobin looked at the boy's face, slowly making circles with his finger over Kai's hand. Seeing Kai suffering hurt as if he was in the condition himself.

''If you want... We can listen to some songs again, like when we were in the subway.'' 

At the words from a boy whose name he didn't even know, Kai opened his eyes in surprise. He then smiled at Soobin as if he wasn't in unbearable pain. Someone he had never met before, who he had seen only once in his life, was so considerate towards him that something fluttered inside of Kai, leaving his cheeks slightly blushed. 

''Instead of listening to those beeping sounds, I would _love_ to share some songs with you.'' Kai smiled, looking deeply into Soobin's eyes. Waves of warmth washed over Kai as he tried to figure out the enigma that was Choi Soobin: someone who looked tough and seemed like he could shatter someone's heart but actually being someone as soft as a cloud.

''Cool, then.'' Soobin smiled more with the answer as he took his phone and earbuds from his jacket's pocket. He handed Kai one of his earbuds, then went cross-legged on the floor. He started looking for a song. He wanted to impress Kai, even though he wasn't aware of the fact that Kai would be impressed no matter what kind of song he chose.

_**mystery of love - sufjan stevens** _

**_Oh, to see without my eyes_ **   
**_The first time that you kissed me_ **   
**_Boundless by the time I cried_ **   
**_I built your walls around me_ **

As both of them shared the song, they also shared the same thoughts with each other, without really knowing, but feeling it by looking at each other's eyes.

_**Oh, woah woe is me** _   
_**The first time that you touched me** _   
_**Oh, will wonders ever cease?** _   
_**Blessed be the mystery of love** _

And finally, that warm feeling that Soobin thought he could only get from his brother was starting to be felt again. He felt it through the eyes of a boy who could heal his wounded heart with his whiskey-colored eyes.


	9. Entry No.9

With the light of the moon shining upon his face, Soobin slowly tilted up his gaze and began to watch the boy who he'd been listening to music with for the past fifteen minutes, holding his hand even though the nurse had already stopped stitching Kai's forehead. His charcoal eyes were focused on whiskey counterparts, leaving the two in their little circle of music notes and an odd smell of blood, perfectly describing their situation. Slowly licking his lips and leaning his head to Kai's bed, Soobin raised his phone and tried to look at his playlist, trying to find another song to impress his miraculous encounter. _Should I play something fun or depressive?_ he thought while swiping down. _Emotional? Would it be too obvious?_

''Just play anything,'' Kai replied as if he had heard Soobin's thoughts, smiling gently even though his body ached with pure pain. ''You don't have to think that much.''

After hearing these words, Soobin slowly tilted his head, brought his eyes back to Kai's, and began to think of what he was told. Even the boy he had just met understood his over-thinking behavior. He smiled regretfully like a mischievous little boy, then sighed deeply while scratching his black hair.

''Yeah, sorry.'' Although he apologized, he still couldn't help but think too much over it. _He's probably had enough of me. Why don't you just play a goddamn song? Play it, you idiot._

''Do you like Post Malone?'' asked Soobin while straightening his body, and as soon as he asked this question, he regretted it immediately. _He doesn't seem like someone who likes rap. Maybe I should have played Harry Styles? Or maybe he likes rap after all?_ Soobin thought while looking at Kai's eyes, trying his best to hide his concern and portray himself as a cool person.

''Yeah, of course. I listen to any kind of music.'' Kai continued to stare at Soobin with a broad smile as his eyes continued to hover over the other's face. He was wondering where Soobin's piercings were. And why was he wearing a suit? _Does he work in a company office or something? How old is this man? Oh my God, is he some 30-year-old dude? No, no, he doesn't_ look _that old._

''Oh, that's awesome then!'' Soobin was relieved by Kai's answer. He then played the song with a smile, feeling very happy that he didn't get a negative response. ''Yeonjun showed me this. His taste in music always surprises me. Sometimes he goes on full Sicko Mode and then suddenly changes to something that came out from above the clouds.''

Kai laughed after hearing Soobin's words about his best friend and then changed his expression to a grimace. He kept forgetting that he fell over a staircase just a little while ago. ''That's the best description of Yeonjun I've heard so far. He changes his mind constantly, like a kid in a candy shop.''

Smiling with his head back and revealing dimples ingrained into his skin, Soobin glanced at Kai one last time, then glanced at his phone with flushed cheeks. _He's also funny._

_**circles - post malone** _

**_Seasons change and our love went cold  
Feed the flame 'cause we can't let go  
Run away, but we're running in circles  
Run away, run away_ **

With the upbeat tune of the song filling his ear, Soobin began to look attentively at every inch of Kai's face with his misty eyes. Kai slowly took a deep breath and smiled under his breath. He may not even know the person's name, but Kai was sure that the man had a story to share.

**_I dare you to do something_  
I'm waiting on you again, so I don't take the blame  
Run away, but we're running in circles  
Run away, run away, run away**

As both of them disappeared into the same song while looking at each other as if there was no one around them, Yeonjun was finding his way to Kai's bed after a little smoking session, never thinking that he'd find his best friends looking at each other so dreamily. With one hand in his pocket, one eyebrow raised, Yeonjun glanced at them and then giggled, pulling the two out of their trance.

''Am I interrupting something?'' he asked while leaning his hip to Kai's bed. Although he had known both of his friends for years, he was surprised that none of them noticed the glow on their faces.

Caught off guard, Soobin slightly jumped out of fear, lifted his head, and looked at his friend with big eyes. Although he was someone who paid attention to what was happening around him, he never saw his friend coming and was surprised at what kind of trance he was in.

''N-No. No, we were just listening to some songs. That's all,'' whispered Soobin while fixing his shirt, slowly taking the earbud out of his ear and scratching his hair. He thought that being so close to Yeonjun's childhood friend would bother Yeonjun. Soobin became nervous inadvertently and slowly moved away from Kai. ''Where were you?'' Soobin asked, obviously wanting to change the subject.

''Outside. Smoking and talking to Bahiyyih.'' Yeonjun said this as he looked at Kai, carefully caressing the latter's hair. Kai looked back at Yeonjun with grateful eyes, smiling sincerely at him. Kai was really glad to have someone like his best friend by his side.

''Thanks, Yeonjun. But I hope you didn't tell her to come here.''

''Of course, I didn't! I told her that she had to go home and that you'd stay in the hospital all night to get yourself together. She resisted a little bit at first, but I played my cards pretty well.''

Raising his eyebrow while looking at Yeonjun's face, Kai slowly chuckled and straightened up his body, even though he knew that Yeonjun would try to stop him. When Yeonjun tried to prevent it just as Kai had predicted, Kai still did it anyway. Although Kai also knew that he needed to lie down and rest, he hated admitting that he was sick and was unable to bring himself to succumb to his illness. He just didn't want to be a sick child. He wanted to prove that he was something much more than that.

''I'm fine, don't worry. Also, what the hell did you say to my sister?''

''I said that if she stays home, I'll buy her the Nintendo Switch she's been wanting for so long.'' Yeonjun paused, smiling childishly. ''And I also threatened to spread her childhood photos.''

''Jesus Christ...'' As he gently shook his head left and right and rubbed his temples at what he heard, Kai slowly turned to where Soobin had been standing. Kai then smiled at Soobin as widely as he could. Although Kai did not know Soobin yet, the former easily realized that the latter was excluding himself from their conversations.

''Why is he like that?'' asked Kai while looking at Soobin's pitch black eyes, including him in their conversation to prevent him from feeling alone.

Upon suddenly getting involved in conversation, Soobin looked at Kai and Yeonjun with a surprised expression, tilting his head to his right. He then understood what Kai was trying to do. Smiling slightly and showing his deep dimples, Soobin shrugged slowly and folded his arms. He felt touched by Kai's consideration towards him to not leave him alone.

''I've got no clue. I've known this guy since birth and still can't wrap my head around what goes on in that little brain of his.''

Before Yeonjun could protest, Kai spoke first. ''Let's just say he's Yeonjun being Yeonjun. That's enough definition for him.''

''Yeah, exactly.'' As Soobin laughed and gently ran his fingers around Kai's shoulder, Kai looked at his face with a slight smile, examining the finest detail. Dimples as deep as a well, eyes that formed a thin line when laughing, small holes that were filled with piercings before, a lower lip that was fuller than the top, and of course his smooth, white skin: _He is perfection,_ Kai thought. _He is fucking perfection._

''Kamal Kai. I've got your blood test from the lab.''

As the unexpected voice filled the room, the three turned their heads to the source of the sound, finding the doctor who was taking care of Kai. Holding a bunch of papers with a concerned expression, he was directly looking at Kai. While the two friends looked at the doctor with hopeful eyes, Kai already knew the words he'd hear and already started a plot to hide the truth from his mother.

''Yes, sir?''

''I won't bore you with medical terms, but I assume you can easily guess what I'll say,'' the doctor said while slowly frowning and putting his hand on Kai's shoulder gently. Even the doctor seemed shocked by the results.

''I'm sure that you already know what the blood values should be. But do you know what your current results are?''

''If you don't say it, I won't know, sir.'' It was a soft spot for Kai. Although he was raised to show respect to his elders, he was uncomfortable when it came to his illness.

''It's 4, Kai. 4 out of 15. And it clearly shows that you already have anemia alongside hemophilia. You should already know that normal ranges for factor levels are 50 or 150 percent. Yours is 0.50. Do you know what that means?''

With every word of the doctor literally shooting into his brain like an arrow, Kai closed his eyes from the pain in his heart rather than the pain in his body. He then unknowingly put his hand over his heart and began to gently tighten his shirt. Since the day he learned how to crawl, he had been dealing with this disease every day, every hour, every minute. The only thing he wished for was to have a life like his peers, rather than the sick child who was doomed to decay in hospital corridors. While his peers were gripping bicycle handlebars, he was anxiously holding the IV pole. While they were having sleepovers in tree houses and basements, he slept in a cold hospital bed.

_I only wanted to be like them. I just want to breathe like a normal kid._

''I'm so tired,'' Kai whispered under his breath while still holding his blood-coated shirt.

Meanwhile, as Yeonjun and Soobin ran their gazes between the two, appalled by what the doctor said about Kai's state, Yeonjun felt thunder in his heart after hearing Kai's words. The three words leave Yeonjun at a loss, aching his muscles. _No_ , he thought to himself but remained silent. _Fuck no._ The boy had helped him survive the nightmarish days he had with his father. Kai implying that he was dying hurt Yeonjun much more than it should have.

''Now it's inevitable that you are going to stay here tonight. We will give you three units of blood, and I will check on you every three hours. Okay?''

''Okay...'' Even though he tried his best to make his voice as strong as he could, Kai's one word sounded like a whisper. A whisper that contained more than a bunch of letters together: it was a whisper that revealed Kai's true face that he had tried to hide under his reckless personality. ''Thanks for everything.''

''My pleasure Kai. Rest well.''

As the doctor left the three of them all to themselves, Kai finally opened his eyes and revealed the storms breaking through him by way of his amber color. Rather than hearing how bad his illness was, it was the fact that someone he didn't know, standing right next to him, had heard how bad his state was that hurt him the most. _He'll think I'm some sick bastard. Who would hang out with me besides Yeonjun? Why would he want to be near a problematic, burdensome person?_

While Soobin was listening to the doctor, he wrapped one of his arms to his thin waist and gnawed his fingernails with the other. He didn't say any single thing out loud but never stopped the thinking swarming his mind. Analyzing every inch of the boy he had just learned the full name of, Soobin went closer to Kai and sat down next to him. Although Kai tried his best to hide what difficulties he had inside, he could not escape from Soobin. Slowly putting his hand to Kai's shoulder and caressing it a little bit, Soobin directly looked at his face and gave a little smile. He knew those eyes well. Those eyes that held much but revealed less.

''Everyone has a story to tell, and it doesn't make yours any less important. You don't have to tell me what you've been through, but I can tell you that I'll be here when you're ready.''

Looking deeply at the whiskey-colored eyes he'd been admiring since the moment he first saw them, Soobin slowly caressed the shoulder carrying an invisible yet burdensome weight. Soobin hoped that his small efforts would ease Kai.

Yeonjun silently watched from the sideline. Normally he'd face Kai and scold him over mismanaging his health. But instead, he watched both of his friends. Not knowing how to react to Soobin's comforting words, Yeonjun slowly tilted his head to his right and bit his lip in thought. He felt his neck go warm, his lips ready to scold Kai, but something was holding him back. If he knew one thing about what was really happening between his friends, he'd think that the two kids with thunder in their hearts had finally found their way to move their clouds, letting their sunshine upon them. _Maybe I should leave them alone,_ he thought to himself. In the end, his friends were struggling to bare their hearts. Letting them be would help them talk out their inner thoughts.

''I'm going for another smoke. We'll talk about this when I come back, okay Kai?''

''Yeah, sure...'' After heavily patting Kai's shoulder from the indiscriminate response, Yeonjun looked at Soobin one last time, then left the two alone.

Kai only looked at Soobin's charcoal eyes, disappearing into them as if he was in an endless void. The words he had just heard seconds ago not only helped him ease his mind but also filled his heart with a hope he had searched for forever. Would this encounter really change his life? Or was he just being hopelessly hopeful again?

 _No_ , Kai thought to himself. _Those eyes won't disappoint me._

He took his gaze from Soobin's eyes, still losing himself in his thoughts, and directed them to his fingers while playing with them, sighing deeply and closing his eyes again. The things he was about to say had been sealed in his lips for all of his life, never revealing a single weak point to anyone, just to make sure he was strong enough to stand on his own legs. But Soobin drew Kai in, making the latter want to trust with his entire being. Kai felt safe, assured. It seemed as if no matter what kind of blow he got, he would be able to stand but in a vulnerable position to collapse. Maybe Soobin could be the desperate support Kai so badly needed.

''So... Are you really willing to listen to my story?'' Kai whispered under his breath, slowly tilting his head up and revealing his eyes to Soobin.

''I'm ready when you are, Kai,'' said Soobin while watching Kai's face, trying his best to give him a comfortable ambiance.

And after one last deep breath, Kai finally began to release everything he had tried to hide for his entire life. ''Well, it's rather obvious by now. I've got a blood disease. If I get an injury or a cut, my blood won't clot, and I'll bleed non-stop. Mine is pretty severe, so I've got the worse end of it.''

Memories resurfaced as Kai grimaced his face and shook his head left to right to forget again. He then took one last deep breath and continued.

''You probably think that the only injury I got from falling was my forehead, but there's way more than that. I probably won't be able to walk for two weeks because my leg and hip muscles bled internally. They were so urgent about the CAT scan because they thought I got apoplexy or organ bleeding. My useless body is that fucking delicate.''

Kai never looked into Soobin's eyes as each word turned out to be more greedy than the previous one. He was ashamed to show his tears. He was ashamed of showing his weakness to anyone.

''I have to go to the doctor every single fucking week just to walk like a normal person. I had knee surgery because of this stupid sickness. I've had to get this huge needle to my knee joint since I was 15. I need medicine every three days just to function like everyone else. Or I'll die from my blood.'' Kai grimaced, looking bitter and angry. "Everyone else's body works to keep them alive while mine tries to kill me."

Even though Kai tried with his whole being to hide his tears, he lost his battle against his sorrow and allowed the grief to surround his body. Shedding his burden of 18 years to someone he didn't even know for a day was tearing him to pieces.

''They excluded me from everything. I just wanted to live. But I never lived a life I wanted. My classmates were going to the movies, playing football, or eating out after school. I'm stuck in some white, empty hospital room. I've only ever heard entreaties, screams, and prayers, instead of laughs and giggles like kids my age. Instead of smelling wet grass or midnight fairs, I've only been smelling my own blood. I must stink of that depressing hospital smell.''

The weight of his sentences pulled him down. Kai could not take it any longer and began to bury his palms in his face, taking deep breaths to pull himself together irremediably. All those shards from his childhood were piercing him in his heart, filling his veins with unbearable grief.

''I just wanted to be normal...''

Soobin, who could not say anything in reply, only looked with sorrowful eyes. He was overwhelmed by what Kai had gone through and him not ever revealing a single bit of it. He knew there was something behind those amber eyes, but he never expected anything like this. The trembling body, his self-evident personality, his body trying to appear strong: it all reminded Soobin of someone. Someone that he lost years ago had lived the same things and died because of the grief that pulled him to his own grave.

As Kai's teary eyes blinked slightly, he shook his head from side to side. Soobin slowly approached Kai's crying body. Then, Kai leaned his head against Soobin's broad chest as the latter's arms wrapped around his gentle body. Delicately caressing Kai's soft brown hair and inhaling the vanilla scent that came from him, Soobin closed his eyes and remained silent as Kai cried.

 _He doesn't need words. He needs affection_.


End file.
